Zayla in Recovery

Assuming these blog posts are getting to Facebook, here's the next update. After my last blog, we ate in the car for a few, then went back inside. Ben played games on the laptop, while I read a book. Then we both got sleepy, so we curled up together and dozed off. I was awakened by the pager buzzing at us. I woke up Ben, and we followed a nurse back to a little room. Apparently, the doctor wanted to talk to us. This was around 9am. Ben started thinking the worst. Then the nurse came and said one of us could go to Zayla in recovery, while the other waited for the doctor. I went to Zayla. A nurse was holding her, and she had all kinds of wires coming off her, and an oxygen mask on. I sat down in a rocking chair, and they handed her to me. She woke up and fussed a bit, so I nursed her - she settled right down. We sat like that for a while, then they brought back Ben. After about another 10 minutes, they brought us back to the first room, where we changed her into her gown and everything. I've continued to nurse her when she wakes up and fusses, and they've slowly removed all the wires... First the oxygen mask went, then the chest stickers for monitoring her heart. Than they detatched the IV tube, then later took out the IV, and took off the blood-ox monitor. Ben is holding her now, and she's still waking up, slowly but surely. Everything looks good. She has a big purple cast on her right arm, up past the elbow, and covering her thumb completely. We can't get it wet, of course. We will see the doctor again in 2 weeks, and he'll take off the cast and make sure the tendons are tightening up the way they should. Everything went great in both the surgery and the recovery (turns out the doctor wanted to talk to us just to tell us about the tendons). I need to go nurse her again, so I'm signing off... more when we get home, which will be soon. Love and hugs. Lynda and Ben

Update on Zayla

The hospital has Facebook blocked, so I'm blogging instead, which should post to my Facebook page as well. Zayla just went back to the surgery. They had us put her in a cute little baby gown, then they listened to her heart and took her temp. Then we gave her some medicine to make her sleepy and relaxed... and boy did it! She was completely stoned! It was hilarious! We started make stoner jokes - it relieved the tension. Then the doctor came in and said hi, and put a little pen mark on her hand. Then the nurse came to get her, and we walked back with her. We handed her over to the nurse, then came out to the car. I haven't cried yet, but I feel like it. I'm just SO nervous! Ben's nervous too, but he's being my rock, and I love him all the more for it. The procedure should take anywhere from 1-2 hours, then they'll page us (they gave us a pager when we checked in, like at a busy restaurant), and take us to her recovery room. I can nurse her right away, as soon as she wakes up. She'll most likely be cranky when she wakes. Once she's fully awake, and we've got the ok, we're free to leave. So, we should be home in time for lunch. I'll blog again once we are in recovery with her, and I'll Facebook once we get home. Thank you to everyone who's praying and sending good thoughts - just keep them coming. More later. Love and hugs. Lynda and Ben

God's Little Nudges

Money got really tight around Christmas, but I find it amazing how everything works out. It's almost like God is nudging everyone around us to benefit us.

I finished my training for Jackson-Hewitt well in time, and had my first day of work back on January 21. I've had 2 paychecks since then. I've also filed my taxes, and have already received my tax returns, both federal and state. We paid off a few things, caught up other things, and gave my car the TLC it SO desperately needed. I filed my boyfriend's taxes too, and he has already received his federal return (note to self: mail his Okla return!). We paid a few things with his return, but mostly spent it having fun on Valentine's day (and spoiling him).

Jackson-Hewitt is slowing down, though. For example, I only have 18 hrs this week, and I'm only scheduled for 8 next week, I think. Good for my exhausted body, good for my family who needs me, bad for my wallet. My boyfriend was getting stressed out spending all his time at home, with the kids, not working, not feeling as manly as he'd like, etc. I was getting stressed having to work all day, then come home to cook, clean, and take care of the kids. We were beginning to snap more, and more quickly with each other.

Suddenly, the light began to shine. Ish. I took him to a job interview on Monday in Owasso (40 minutes away, and I took him because he's an excluded driver on my insurance now - long story). Tuesday, they called him wanting him to start on Wednesday. He works M-Th, the 5pm to 3:30am shift. Yuck! But, it's a job, and it pays well, and weekly. We are thrilled.

Then the trouble began over transporting him there and back, and at such inconvenient hours. Him having to be there at 5pm means we have to leave by 4 pm, if not a little earlier, which is right when my daughter is getting out of school. Very inconvenient. And trying to drive to pick him up in the middle of the night was hard. His sister (thanks babe!) picked him up Wednesday night (really Thursday morning), and I had to load up the kids Thursday night (Friday morning) and take them with me to get him. Hooray for interrupted sleep cycles in 2-year-olds! Fun! I was dreading next week, his first full week, doing that 4 days in a row. How was I going to, when 2 had already killed me? I was exhausted beyond all belief.

I was complaining about all of this to my supervisor at work yesterday, and she came to the rescue. She offered to sell me her car. Her mom passed away recently, and she's driving her mom's car now, so she doesn't need her car anymore. She told me what she knew about it, and it sounds perfect for getting my boyfriend to and from work. The only thing wrong with it (according to her) is that it has no heat or a/c. I don't feel like that matters in a vehicle that's just for the work commute. We are to call her when I get home from work today and set up a time for tomorrow to meet with her and look at the car. I'm so excited I can barely breathe. She's not asking for much, and she's willing to take payments. This is the most available and affordable offer we've come across yet for a vehicle.

I have to keep reminding my boyfriend that if he keeps this job for at least a year, he can get the truck he wants. But for now, he has to drive a used, second-hand car with no heat or air. I also pointed out that my supervisor is no mechanic. The heat/air problem may be something simple, like a fan that needs replaced, or the freon. We have to look at it and see.

But I think this car will be just what we need to solve our transportation problems. So my boyfriend has a job and a car. Yeah for us! So when Jackson-Hewitt ends, I won't feel pressured to jump right into another job, asap. Our bills will still get paid, and I will get to spend time with my kids. Basically, with this night schedule, I'm a single mom again M-Th, and F-Su, during the days. He'll be there F-Su evenings to help out. Great, a weekend relationship. Nice. Whatever, as long as it works, and as long as we work hard to make it work. I can do the single mom thing... I'm an old pro at that (right everyone?). Been doing it for years.

I'm very happy in my life right now, and I'm glad that everything that has happened in the past happened the way it did, so I can be the person that I am, here and now, and be as happy as I am. More later. Same crazy time, same crazy channel.

P.S. Updates on my family, for those of you who know them.
1) Mom got married, back on February 2, to a man who is blind also (it's so cute and romantic and funny). They seem pretty happy together. He is all moved in now, though not entirely unpacked yet.
2) Mom kicked my younger brother's girlfriend out (it was about time), and I haven't really noticed anyone feeling sorry that she's gone. She was ok in the beginning, and she helped out once-in-a-rare-while, but the longer I knew her, the more I didn't really like her. I just began to find her annoying, mostly. But she's with her parents now, which is where she belongs. Let them take care of her.
3) My older brother is doing just fine with his boys, and my sister-in-law is doing fine with her girlfriend, as far as I know.
4) Funny story: my younger brother was going to Tulsa with a friend/neighbor to pick up my step-dad for mom on their wedding day. My brother and his friend got pulled over for speeding, then got arrested. We went to bail them out, but one town wouldn't let us until they had been transferred to the other town. My neighbor and friend who was driving us down there got pulled over as well on the way back, and if that cop had bothered to run her license (instead of taking pity on the obviously pregnant woman about to cry), she would have been arrested as well. I couldn't stop laughing. The irony of getting arrested as you were attempting to bail someone else out struck me as hilarious. Also, I think it's SO funny that my youngest brother was in jail when our mom got married. :) LOL A friend of his friend's bailed them both out later that night. A few days later, my boyfriend got pulled over for running a stop sign. As I told my friend (and she agrees), "I am done with the cops for now - I've had enough of them this week to last me a lifetime!"

Gall bladders suck!

Nine and a half years ago, I gave birth to the most beautiful little girl in the world! About a month later, I experienced, for the first time in my life, an excruciating pain in my stomach area. I went to the ER, but it stopped by the time I got there, so we left. For the next eight months or so, I experienced more pain, nausea, vomiting, until my daughter's pediatrician suggested it was an ulcer. He suggested I take Zantac75 once a day until the pain stopped. I did, and after about six months, the pain was gone.

For the next six to seven years, I had an occasional flare-up of pain, usually resolved with Zantac or Rolaids. After the birth of my son nearly two years ago, the flare-ups became more frequent and more severe. For the last few months, they've been really bad, with me vomiting on average about once a week. Since my last pregnancy I've been taking PrilosecOTC (or the generic) daily, in an effort to keep what I thought was an ulcer under control.

Friday night, the pain reached a level I have never experienced before. I couldn't lie down or sit or even move without a great deal of pain, and I was standing against the wall, crying in pain, when my boyfriend got back from picking up my brother's girlfriend from work. Off to the ER I went, while my son stayed with my brother's girlfriend, and my daughter stayed with my boyfriend's sister.

At the ER, I peed in a cup, and they took some blood. Then they gave me a nice cocktail of meds - anti-nausea, two stomach meds, and phyntenol (is that how you spell it?), a pain med. I felt loopy, and the pain stopped. However, ten minutes later, it was back, and just as bad as ever. They came in and gave me morphine (yeah, morphine). Even loopier, but the pain was still there. It went down to about a 1 on the pain scale for about fifteen minutes, then went up to about a 6 or 7 (had been a 9 or 9 1/2 earlier). Finally, they came in and gave me Demerol, more anti-nausea, and a bag of saline. Very loopy, sick for a few minutes, but NO MORE PAIN! In the meantime, they'd had me drink this whole bottle of white goop that tasted like berries. After an hour, they wheeled me off the the CT scanner. There, they injected me with contrast, which made me feel warm and fuzzy all over, and took pictures of my insides. Later they came to my room and told me it was my gall bladder, and they were putting me in the hospital to schedule the surgery.

Until Saturday morning, I had all my body parts. I have never had anything removed, I have never had any kind of surgery or stitches or hospitalization or anything like that. I was a little scared (more than a little really).

Saturday morning, the surgeon came and talked to me, I signed the consent papers, and I went into surgery about 11:30 am. They strapped me down to this skinny table, and strapped my arms to little attachments on the sides of the table. Not to sound sacrilegious, but I felt like I was being tied to a cross. They injected something in my IV, and suddenly I couldn't keep my eyes open. They told me to take a few deep breaths, and after the third breath, I was out. I came to in the recovery room, two hours later. They were asking me how I felt, and I felt fine, just a little tired and a little sore. They wheeled me back to my room - the bumps made me hurt, and the turns made me sick.

I stayed the rest of Saturday and all night, taking a Lortab every four hours or so, eating only liquids (which was OK since jello, ice cream and pudding all counted as liquids). This morning, the surgeon came and talked to me, and I got my walking papers. Apparently, my gall bladder was so full of stones that it was practically a marble bag. One of the larger stones had become impacted in the duct, and the whole thing was infected as well. He said there were so many stones that my gall bladder probably hadn't worked in years (which is why I gave the long back story - my gall bladder probably stopped working back during my first pregnancy). Now that it's out, I will probably feel a LOT better. The pain, the nausea, the vomiting, the fullness will all stop. I probably won't have to take the Prilosec anymore. At least, I'm going to postpone taking them for now to see if I even need them.

I'm on restrictions for the next two weeks at least, until I have a check-up with the surgeon. I can't drive, pick-up anything, push, pull, bend over, anything strenuous at all (including amorous night-time activities). I have to have help sitting down and standing up, I can't sit for more that 45 minutes in one position, but I can walk as much as is comfortable. It really sucks, because my son is sick right now, and wants mommy to pick him up and hold him, which of course, I can't do.

But for all the worry warts out there reading this, I am fine. The four incisions on my abdomen (they took it out laproscopically) are tender, the internal bruising is sore, and Lortabs make me very sleepy, but I'm not in anywhere near the kind of pain I was in Friday night, and according to the surgeon, I won't be again. Yeah!

My mother had her gall bladder out a few years ago when she had her gastric bypass surgery. They had said that gall bladders can usually cause problems after that particular surgery, so they removed it at the same time, just as a precaution. However, it occurred to me, my grandmother was about my age when she had hers removed. It was after her third or fourth child (can't remember which exactly). I am very much like her, which is scary at times, so I should have suspected that it was my gall bladder.

This was all very sudden and fast and surprising. I had planned to sing Handel's Messiah with the Choral Society today at 2pm. But I missed that, and the rehearsal Saturday morning. I'm hoping I feel up to going to Jackson-Hewitt tomorrow to do some of the Labs I need to get done for the training (that was the plan before this weekend). All my job hunting plans for the next two weeks have to be cancelled, or at least cut back. My daughter is learning how to do laundry, because I can't. I can sit next to the dryer and fold clothes, that's about it.

Going to finish now - the Lortab I took fifteen minutes ago is starting to shut me down. I feel a little loopy and sleepy. I'm getting fuzzy tunnel vision too. Fun.

I'll post more later about the rest of my life and how it's going.

P.S. A HUGE thanks to all the nurses and aides at the hospital for their care and patience. The took such good care of me and my boyfriend during my stay. And a big thanks to the surgeon for his patience in explaining everything to me and answering my questions, and for his skill in removing my pain.

P.S. 2 A great big thanks to my younger brother and his girlfriend, for watching my son. A big thanks to my boyfriend's sister and her husband, for watching my daughter. A big thanks to my older brother for going to get my mom and her boyfriend from out of town, and to my sister-in-law for watching my nephews so my brother could go. And the BIGGEST thanks to my boyfriend, who hardly ever left my side, stayed two nights in the hospital sleeping in a very uncomfortable recliner and a slightly less uncomfortable cot, and helped me shower, get up and down, fetched things for me, ran to the store for pudding in the middle of the night, etc. He is the most wonderful, caring man, and I wonder what I did in my life to deserve him. To all of you, I love you, and this is the definition of FAMILY. XOXOX

Going... Going...

It is typically human, and especially American, to want something, covet it with all your heart, and then once you get it, to want something else or something better.

However, I am definitely not typical.

I wanted a really good friend that I could connect with on every level (remember me blogging about that months ago?), and I got her, my mom's new neighbor. She and I just really get each other. I love it. I feel completely comfortable with her, like I can totally be myself with her without fear of judgement or ridicule or rejection. It's great. I can tell her anything, and I know she'll understand. She gives me good advice, motivates me to be better, helps me when she can, and accepts my help in return. It's fantastic!

I also blogged about wanting a boyfriend (remember?), that special someone who just really fit me and wouldn't leave or screw me over. I got him too, my new best friend's brother. He and I dated for a mere two weeks about five years ago, but it ended (don't want to share the details), and I have regretted it since. Now, suddenly, I have a second chance, and I'm making the best of it. I've grabbed my second chance with both hands, and I'm not letting go! He and I fit together so well. Our libidos are the same, he remembers things I forget (and vice versa), he thinks my pouting is cute, and we spoil each other. Nothing about him really bothers me, and the things about me that have bothered past boyfriends/husbands, don't bother him at all. We disagree once in a while, and we have the occasional misunderstanding, but we work it out fast, and we have a good laugh about it. We make each other laugh a lot, and that's important. He adores my kids, and they seem to really adore him. I'm happy, but more than that, I'm satisfied, I'm content. That means a lot to me.

Being with him makes the bad things in my life seem less bad. He makes the unbearable bearable. Does that make sense? I still need a job, and he needs a better one. Then I'll finalize my divorce, and he'll finalize his, and hopefully get custody of his daughter. But these things seem less urgent, less life altering, because we are so satisfied with our life together.

I still don't think I'm making any sense, but I can't think of a better way to explain it. Oh, well.

My daughter is back in school, 4th grade. She's so excited. My son has started talking in sentences, but since it's still baby gibberish, we still don't know what he's saying. But he will tell us something, and his face is so serious, and he's trying so hard to communicate, using full sentences, and mimicking our sentence structure and tonal patterns. It's SO cute! He's only a year-and-a-half, but he's wearing 3T and 4T clothing. He's my big boy. My daughter moved up in her dancing to the next class. She's so much shorter and smaller than the other girls in her ballet class! Her teacher calls her the class puppy. :) My daughter recently (and finally!) learned how to ride her bike, and she wants to ride it all the time. It's precious.

OK, I've run out of steam. Done for now. Bu-bye.

Reflection

I've spent several months thinking about the past. It seems the past won't leave me alone, and now it has grabbed my full attention.

Alfred, Lord Tennyson said, "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." He speaks against inaction. It isn't enough to exist... you need to really live. Don't sit by and let life move all around you. Get into it. Make a few mistakes. Make a mess. Create a little chaos. Have fun.

I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't live, but just exists. Yes, we all have responsibilities and obligations to fulfill, and those should be priorities, but don't let your obligations keep you from enjoying life. Don't let your job or your self-interest keep you from your family (or from having a family). Don't let self-preservation or fear keep you from love. Don't let sloth or money keep you from the satisfaction of a hard day's work and a job well done. Balance the pleasures of solitude and quiet with the joys of company and friendship.

Don't live your life in fear of the future, or regretting the past. Learn from the past, plan for the future, but live for today. And live in today. When something bad happens, take a little time to heal, make amends, etc. Then, move on, wiser, stronger, and more prepared.

I'll be the first to admit that I have had my fair share of relationships (probably more). As I think back over them, however, I don't regret them, even the short ones. I always got something out of each one: kids, a car, furniture, new hobbies and interests, knowledge about myself, understanding of men, a good time, etc. I try hard not to regret or resent the bad parts, since the good usually outweighs the bad.

My first husband gave me my daughter, and a list of items and ideals, including a working knowledge of myself and men. Rebound guy gave me a car, as well as the emotional and financial support that I needed at a low point in my life, and I'll always appreciate that. What's-His-Face gave me a better understanding of myself and the mistakes I was making in relationships, and life. He also gave me a few new hobbies and interests, which I enjoy. Pot Boy gave me my son, and a peek at God's sense of humor (be careful what you ask for...). Mr. Communication gave me new hobbies and interests, a better look at the dynamics and variables of relationships, and a new sense of self-worth vs. self-doubt.

Every relationship has its good and its bad. Those who really live are the ones who choose to see the good and learn from the bad. They don't allow their mistakes or their pain to hold them back from the next relationship. They keep in mind that no matter how bleak, messy, confusing, or hopeless a situation can become, it can always be lightened, explained, straightened out, fixed, cleaned up, forgiven, or forgotten. Karma usually gives you a chance to make things right before she bites you in the ass.

There's really only one relationship I still have any regrets about, and it's not the relationship I regret, but how it ended. About five years ago, I dated a guy for a few weeks in the summer. I really liked him, but when I heard a nasty rumor that was going around about him, I freaked out, and refused to talk to him anymore. A few months later, I discovered the truth: the allegations were proven false. I felt horrible, mortified, embarrassed. A short while later, I heard that he'd moved out of state. I have always regretted that I was never able to say, "I'm sorry," that I never had a chance to make things right.

The dramatic ending of the relationship didn't stop me from moving on (after a while). The discovery of my horrible mistake wounded me, and knocked the wind out of me for a bit, but I learned from it, and kept going. While I wish I could apologize and attempt compensation, I don't let it stop me from living my life to the fullest.

My point is that life moves on. The world doesn't stop because a relationship ends. Your heart won't stop beating, your job won't wait for you, your kids won't stop growing, the sun won't stop rising and setting. Take some time to heal, yes, but then get back on the bike and try again. Keep riding, keep going. Don't let the mistakes you've made keep you from your responsibilities, and your life. Don't let some guy, who has chosen to exist rather than live, keep you from living. Don't let someone else's lies create doubt in your heart. Don't let someone else's inconsideration shake your faith in yourself. Don't regret the past - learn from it, appreciate it, share it. And remember that even though Karma's a bitch, sometimes she gives you just what you need. :)

Thank you Karma... it's about time.

In Memoriam
by Alfred, Lord Tennyson

XXVII.


I envy not in any moods
The captive void of noble rage,
The linnet born within the cage,
That never knew the summer woods:

I envy not the beast that takes
His license in the field of time,
Unfetter’d by the sense of crime,
To whom a conscience never wakes;

Nor, what may count itself as blest,
The heart that never plighted troth
But stagnates in the weeds of sloth;
Nor any want-begotten rest.

I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
’Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

Tennyson rocks! (If you read it out loud to yourself with a British accent, it sounds awesome!)

Geek Chic

In 1935, a man named Erwin Schrödinger designed a thought experiment. He proposed that one seal a cat in a box with a device that may or may not break open a sealed vile of poison in the next hour. For that hour, the cat is both alive and dead, but once you open the box, you can see that the cat is one or the other, alive or dead. He was attempting to explain "what he saw as the problem of the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics being applied to everyday objects." (Wikipedia, Schrödinger's Cat) In other words, he thought someone else was wrong, and he designed an experiment to illustrate his point.

The point I gather from this experiment is basically this: you never know until you know. How can you know that you will or will not succeed at something until you attempt it? Once the attempt is over, you can know whether you succeeded or not, but you cannot know beforehand. Once you have tried sushi, you know if you like it or not, but before you try it, you cannot know. In theory, you both like it and dislike it... in reality, you neither like it nor dislike it.

Along with these thoughts from the realm of physics, I offer the following quote:

"I believe that the voices of fear, both from without and within, can only be dispelled by trusting the voice that comes from the heart. Be still and listen to it. If it speaks of love and compassion for others, for the world itself, it just might be the voice of God -- or a reasonable facsimile. If, however, it snarls with fear of the unknown, fear of losing what you have or of not getting what you want, then it just might be the voice of Rupert Murdoch -- or a reasonable facsimile."

Chuck Lorre Productions #212

I don't know how this will speak to everyone else. To me, it says, "Stop being afraid of being alone. You've been alone before, and you know you can be happy alone. Stop wanting what you don't have. Love what you do have. Live your life and love it."

What's it say to you?