Issues # 1, 2, & 3

Several emotions and thoughts are running rampant through my head and heart right now. Where to start? Let's list all the crazy today...

Issue #1: My mom called me on the phone last night to waste my minutes and hers just to yell at me about what horrible decisions I am making and how I suck as a mom and as a daughter. She yelled all of this at me while I was in the car with my boyfriend and my 8-year-old daughter! Did she care? No! So of course, when the conversation is over, and we get out of the car, my daughter says, "I heard the whole conversation..." I turned to her and told her that I was making bad decisions in my life, and I knew that, but I was at a point in my life where I just don't really care. I told her I didn't want her to follow my example, I want her to make good decisions and be a good girl. I told her I was trying to be a good mommy, and that I love her, and eventually everything will work out OK. We both cried and hugged and kissed, and I felt like a complete pile of cow dung afterwards.

My mother-in-law wants to see my kids. Now that I actually have something I want to do on the weekends, I have given in and let her take them. But that's not the only reason. It's not just Granny watching them... it's Daddy, 2 aunts, 2 uncles, and sometimes a thrid aunt and uncle as well. There are lots of people around to diffuse any bad influences. Also, though they are my son's family, they love my daughter as family, and accept her and care for her too. Lastly, the more I get to know my son's grandma, the more I like her. Yes, she is crass and abrupt, but she is caring and loving too. She doesn't put up with anyone's crap, and I admire that. I know my kids are in the hands of someone that will protect them with her life. They're her grandkids, and she loves them.

My marriage to my husband has been long over. He never acted like a husband, never fulfilled his parts of our legally binding contract, so why should I honor that contract now? Should a stupid piece of paper that means nothing to either of the parties whose signatures are on it, keep me from being happy? Should I really put myself in limbo, or deep freeze, or whatever until I manage to scrape up the money for a divorce? I want to be happy NOW, and after being unhappy for so long, I am unwilling to wait any longer. I have the chance to be with someone that fits me, to see where it goes, and I'm grabbing it, with both hands.

Enough about my crazy mom that drives me crazy (I need to just move out - living with her is ALWAYS a bad decision!). And enough about my bad decisions. I know what they are, and I'll deal with the consequences.

Issue #2: Flying around in my head and heart today is my boyfriend's recent tirade on his blog. He entitled it 'Trust and Communication' and there's a part 1 and a part 2. Part 1 seemed so promising, eloquent, and in-depth, but he lost his anger and his momentum, so while part 2 is still good, it didn't live up to the hype. The issue is not his posts, as I agree with them, whole heartedly. The issue running around inside me is his disclaimer: "This entry is not directed at a person or persons..." While I want to trust him, and I do, I still feel that the posts are directed at someone. And while several names bounce around in my head, I feel it is most directed at me. Aren't I just defeating my own purpose here? I feel like his posts about trust and communication are directed at me, instead of trusting him when he says they're not, and I'm venting about it here, instead of communicating my feelings to him in person? Good Lord! I act like such a teenage girl sometimes! I AM my own worst enemy!

OK, nevermind that.

Issue #3: Some random, annonymous person posted that they liked my blogs and wished they were all public. Well, anyone who has been following my blogs since day 1 knows that I cannot have them all public anymore because of dramatic privacy issues, as well as promises made. The issue that inspired my boyfriend's Trust and Communication series, also inspired my privacy issues. Sorry. Here on blogger, I feel a little more free to post my feelings, because if anyone has anything mean or belittling to post about it, I have to approve that post first... ultimate power Mwuhahaha! But I'm still being cautious and not using a lot of names... let me proofread, and make sure it's no names... ok, name free!

In a perfect world, I could blog all I wanted and share everything, and everyone would just read it and bite their tongues. Or they would offer helpful advise, or words of comfort. But no! People have to say the mean things, take what I say out of context, or get offended when I state my opinion, like I offered it up as gospel. Let me say here and now: THIS IS ALL JUST MY OPINION, JUST MY POINT-OF-VIEW, JUST MY FEELINGS... IT IS NOT MEANT AS GOSPEL OR TRUTH OR FACT OF ANY KIND. That said, let me also add that I believe it all as truth, as it is MY truth... I believe truth is subjective. Twenty people can witness the same event, and when you ask them, you are going to get 20 different stories of what happened and how. Our recent issue of drama was a difference of opinions. The two people involved have completely different memories of what happened, therefore two different versions of truth. My boyfriend is caught in the middle, and all I ask of him is trust and communication - trust me when I say I am not the same person now that I was then, I am constantly trying to learn from my past mistakes, and I am studiously trying to be a better person - and communicate with me anytime I become pushy or overbearing, anytime I rush things or overstep boundaries, anytime I make him uncomfortable. So far, we are doing very well. I hope we continue to do so.

I think I've used up all my crazy for today. I'm exhausted. More later.