In the Space of One Cigarette...

... I got dumped. What the hell? I totally didn't see this coming. He gave me the usual lines, like, "You want more out of this relationship than I do," "This is the best option for us right now," and my least favorite, "I still want to be friends." Maybe he was being honest and sincere, maybe not. I don't particularly care. If we're friends, fine. If not, his loss.

This whole breakup is his loss. If he really loved me, as he said, then he wouldn't be giving up just like that. I'm not interested in being with someone that doesn't want to be with me. I want the fairy tale (don't we all?): I want someone that is madly in love with me, wants to spend time with me, loves my kids, gets along with my family, and is responsible and mature (holds a job, owns a house, car, etc., the usual adult stuff), and takes all my crazy and deals with it, even when it pisses him off or scares him, or whatever. I'm not in a hurry... I got all the time in the world, the rest of my life, in fact. I'll take a relationship fast or slow or whatever feels right. I can get needy and clingy at times, but I can also back off and give space - sometimes I like space myself.

I'm not looking for a perfect guy, but I am looking for the one guy who is perfect for me.

I don't want to get into any breakup details, mainly because I wouldn't know where to start. I was completely blind-sided: I did NOT see this coming. Even in hindsight (being 20/20 like it is), I still don't see it. One day we're happy, with our "I love you's" and everything, and the next day I'm dumped. For a guy so big on communication, he sure didn't communicate to me that he was unhappy about anything. Apparently he's been sitting on these feelings for a while. Thanks.

So, I'll be single for a while. That's fine, I've done it before, for many years. I'm fine with the single-mom thing; I'm good at it, and I know I can be happy and content in that role. I was before, I'll find it again.

And when I'm ready for it, I'll find someone new... hopefully, he'll be the one I'm looking for, and if not, I'll keep looking until I find him.

Alright, enough venting. That's as philosophical as I get tonight. Now I'll cry myself to sleep and be depressed for a few weeks. Then I'll be fine, I'll move on, I'll get stronger and better. But for now, I'll let myself indulge in a good wallow in my misery, for a few days. Any longer is just pathetic. And I refuse to be pathetic.

Move over Wonder Woman; here I come. :)