Comfort food.

Sunday was a very bad day for me. I felt like the little kid on the playground that no one wants to play with. I felt unwanted, unincluded, unaccepted, and unappreciated. And in my own effing apartment too! WTF! I felt like even though everyone was being nice to me and trying to cheer me up (their words), they were really thinking GTFO (their actions). Things got a little better when my friend (Mr. Communication) held me for a while, called himself my "comfort food" (I like that), and we talked for a while.

That conversation, plus one I had with my Tennessee friend on Tuesday, have helped me feel better and figure a few things out. I need to be more comfortable in my skin. Mr. Communication suggested that I stop caring what people think and just be myself. But Miss Tennessee pointed out that not caring what people think isn't me. I like to please people, I like to feel liked and accepted. I've decided I need to find a balance. I still want to keep the peace and please others, but I need to stop letting others dictate my life and take advantage of me. I DO need to find myself again: Pot Boy took a lot of me away from me, he tore me down a lot. I need to find who I was 3 years ago, but different, as so many things have happened to me since then.

Miss Tennessee made a good point... Mr. Communication has a different point-of-view than I do. He is coming into his 20's (he's 23). When you are that age, life looks very different then it does to someone like me, leaving my 20's (entering my 30's - yikes!). I have realized that life can be (and usually is) very lonely. With all my friends and work and social activities, at the end of the day, I go home, tuck in my kids, and then I'm alone. And lonely.

I crave an emotional connection. Sex simulates it, familial relationships simulate it, but they aren't the same. Even my close relationships with my kids aren't the same. I need a close adult relationship, not necessarily sexual or romantic. My closest friends live in Utah, Arizona, Missouri, and Tennessee, and I have no significant other. I need someone that loves me as I am, is there when I need them, puts up with all my crazy, includes me in their life, and knows that I'll do the same for them. I need someone to share my secrets with, be myself around. Someone to cry on, fight with, laugh together, etc. Someone that I can make that deep, close, intimate, emotional connection with. Intelligent conversation, some similar interests, care and concern for each other, trust, loyalty, respect... You get the point. Either a significant other, or just a best friend, I need someone. I feel so detatched from the world in general, and my world in particular. I have friends at work, friends of friends all over, and my family, but no one that I feel that close too (as I said, they all live out of state).

I know I come with a lot on my plate, but I think I'm worth it. I give my all to people, I'm there when they need me, and I'll help out anyway I can. I listen, I care, I love. I accept whatever you are, whatever you can give, whatever today's mood is, and give you everything in return. I do that for my close friends as well as my significant others. At least, I try. I haven't always been that way, and I have more growing to do, but I can be a great friend, and a great girlfriend.

Or am I completely wrong? Do I suck as friend? Do I suck as girlfriend/wife? Is that why I'm alone?

Ok, enough. Anymore, and I'm gonna start crying. Good nite y'all!