Internal Contemplation

On days like today, for some reason, I find myself examining myself. I am my harshest critic. I almost feel like crying right now.

How many mistakes have I made in the last month? Year? Two years? Was it a mistake to get pregnant while unmarried? Was it a mistake to marry the father of my son (Pot Boy, my second husband)? Is it a further mistake to divorce him? Or just the correction of a previous mistake? Was it a mistake to start dating before the divorce was final? Was it a mistake to date Mr. Communication, someone so young, and (in my opinion) a confirmed bachelor? Or was it ok to date him, just a mistake to actually fall in love with him? Is it a mistake now to be friends with him? Is it a mistake to get my own place? Or was it a mistake to live with Mom in the first place? Am I abandoning her to her blindness and certain failure? Or am I leaving her safe and secure in the capable hands of my younger brother? Am I saving myself from her tyranny, meddling, and nagging? Or am I saving her from the mess, confusion, and responsibility of my children? Can I afford to live on my own? Will I be happy? Or lonely? Or scared? Should I stay at a job where I like most of my co-workers, and usually have fun? Or should I find a new job with more dignified work for more money? Is my son ok in daycare? Is my daughter ok in school? Should I go back to school? Can I afford it? If I work and go to school, when will I see my children? Should I start dating again? Or should I focus on myself and my kids? Should I date men, or women, or both? Should I move far away and break out on my own, get a fresh start? Should I move somewhere where I have a little help from friends or family, like Tuscon, Branson, or Tennessee? Or somewhere completely new and on my own, 100%? So many questions, so many issues. So many mistakes, and so many more possibilities for more mistakes. Whatever I choose, it will be the wrong answer... it always is.

Ok, re-reading that, I am crying now. I'm a mess. How am I supposed to fix me? What kind of mom am I if I can't even take care of myself?

These are the kind of days when I don't want to get out of bed, and I want to consume large quantities of alcohol. I feel like every move I make is wrong, no matter how right it felt at the time. I despair of life ever getting better. Nope, I'm going to be lonely and struggling for the rest of my life. I will never find that guy that loves me for me, and loves me enough to take on everything that comes with me - kids, exes, family, friends, baggage, etc. - and wants to share all of that with me, and involve me in his life, until they become the same life. Someone that accepts what I can give, and gives me all he can, and it's enough on both sides to make us both happy. My Tennessee friend recently told me that the sign of True Love is loving someone enough to just take what they can give and being ok with it. Is it? If it is, then that opens a whole new can of worms, and I don't want to go there right now... I'll just end up crying more...

I used to be such an optimist. I thought the world was covered in rose petals and sunshine. I was trusting and gullible, and believed what everyone told me, took everyone at face value. I believed in the best in humanity, that all humans were basically good. I believed that everything would always work out for the best, that God would provide for his children the necessities of life, and long as we worked hard, tried our best, and kept the faith.

Now I think life is one big toilet; we swim around in crap our whole lives, and we all get flushed eventually. Where'd my optimism go? It was broken down and destroyed by people who broke me down and trampled me underfoot: What's-his-face, Pot Boy, and Mr. Communication. In all fairness, the majority of the blame rests with Pot Boy, but What's-his-face and Mr. Communication played their own small parts in making me doubt myself and my gut. They both make me question the wisdom of wearing my heart on my sleeve and following my heart. What's the point of being myself if nobody loves me for myself? If myself makes guys run for the hills, then I need to change. What is it about me that makes them run? What is it that I need to change?

I think I've rambled long enough. Now I am thoroughly depressed. I'm going to be such a lovely ray of sunshine at work tonight. Won't I just get SO many tips, scowling at the customers, and crying in the bathroom. Nice. I hate my life.