The Power of the Spoken Language

It's amazing how three little words can change... everything.

Updates and more...

Merry Christmas! Is that very un-PC of me? Oh, well, I don't care. I celebrate Christmas, so I'm gonna say , "Merry Christmas!" and anyone who takes offense can suck my left big toe. :) Happy New Year, too! Ha ha!

Anyway, an update is needed, I suppose, for the random anonymous people who are secretly following my blog. :D My daughter is back in school, and loving it! She is such a social creature. The teachers and other students are glad to have her back as well. Yeah!

My son is almost walking, and can say, "Momma" and "Dada." He's too adorable. Too bad he never sees his Dad to apply his new-found vocabulary. But he reaches for me and says, "Momma" and when I pick him up, he hugs me. I love being a Mom!

My soon-to-be-ex-husband is still the same old guy. He still smokes pot constantly, he still has no job, no GED, no DL, nothing. He technically lives with his Mom, but she and his sister complain that he's never home! Welcome to my world! Ha ha!

My boyfriend, on the other hand, is wonderful. He is exactly what I want and need in my life. I am very happy with him, and he has told me that he's happy too. :) Yeah!

Holiday plans: After I finally get off work tomorrow, I am having Christmas Eve dinner with my boyfriend and his parents at their place (the kids too!), then going home to do whatever with my family (my sister-in-law and I are still planning the "whatever"). Later that night, after the festivities with his family, my boyfriend will come and crash at my place. Christmas morning, we will open presents with the kids (honestly, that's the best part of Christmas... the look on your kids' faces as they open presents... best part, hands down), and have Christmas lunch/dinner with my family (we'll probably play games as well... that's what we do, that's how we roll). Sometime on Christmas day, we will go see my boyfriend's parents again, and the kids will open their gifts from them. The day after Christmas, I have to work (fun, fun), but after work, I'm taking the kids to my son's Granny's house for food and presents. I assume my son will stay for the night, if not the weekend (his Granny loves to have him, and his cousins love to see him). I'll also give my daughter's Grandma a call and see if she wants to see my daughter this weekend at all. If I have a kid-free night, I'll spend it with my boyfriend, as always. :)

It seems a lot less exciting when I type it out like that, and of course, my words cannot really relay my anticipation. I love the holidays. From Halloween to Easter, it's my favorite time of the year. :)

I wonder what my boyfriend has planned for us for New Year's Eve?

Later, all.

Updating the Madness

I haven't posted in a while, so I thought a quick little update would be appreciated. Everything's fine, with work, with home, with my relationship. Well... ok, not so fine...

At work, I'm not getting enough in tips. They usually only give me a 4-table section, and cut me first, after just a couple of hours. So, while I am averaging about 15% in tips, it's low because my guest count is low. I'm getting pissed off. I want a 6-table section, and I want to stay longer, be 2nd or 3rd cut... or even 4th or closer. I need the money, I have bills to pay, mortgage to catch up, and of course, Christmas is coming up, and I have a cartload of presents to buy... 2 kids, 2 nephews, my mom, 2 brothers, 2 sisters, my son's family, my daughter's family, my boyfriend, and his family, friends, a Christmas party at work, my daughter wants to go to the Nutcracker, etc., etc., etc... The list goes on and on... How am I supposed to afford even a fraction of that entire list if I'm only making $20 a shift? So, ok, work isn't fine... it sucks. I've been contemplating looking for a better job on my days off. You know, a job where I can give myself a manicure, and it'll last longer than 24 hours. :(

And home, well, it is home. My mom and I should NOT live together. I want to get my own place and move out, but I'm wracked with guilt, because a) she's blind, and b) I want to help catch up the bills. Of course, since I'm making so little at work, I've caught everything up except the mortgage, and if I continue to make so little, I'll never get the mortgage caught up, and we'll lose the house. That sucks. Of course, I think mom would sell before it actually foreclosed... But it would still suck to lose the house. And I still want my own place. No, I NEED my own place. I need to prove to everyone, especially myself, that I CAN be an independent woman, and that I can take care of myself and my kids without my family's help. Yes, I'll have State assistance, but that's to be expected with a single mom these days. My daughter's back in school (and loving it!), I'll put my son in daycare (I think he'd like that, actually), I'll live in the State funded housing, I'll have food stamps and Medicare, and I'll work my butt off. I can do this... I've done it before, twice. When my daughter was 2-3, I lived on my own for a year and a half, and again, when she was 6-7, I made it on my own for over a year. I know I can do this, and this time, with a real job, no roommate, and a stubborn fierceness that's growing day by day. I CAN do this, I WILL do this, and I'll prove EVERYONE wrong.

My relationship is going fine, it really is. We see each other a lot, and spend the night when we can. He's open-minded enough to at least try things I like (he's going to read Persuasion by Jane Austen... I love that book), and I try the things he likes as well. Some of them I like (like NIN) and some of them are OK (like sushi), and some them I don't like (like... well, I can't think of anything he's had me try yet that I don't like... cool...) (Ok, I just thought of one... the green tea at the sushi restaurant was bland and disgusting... sorry hun, but I didn't like it at all...). Ok, moving on... We have the occasional disagreement or misunderstanding, but we communicate, we talk it out, and we resolve the issue. He tells me when I'm being ridiculous, and I tell him when he's being a jerk, and we simply correct our behavior instead of getting offended (well, I sometimes get a little hurt, he can be blunt, but I still correct my behavior, and he cheers me right up). He's great with my kids, and they seem to like him too. For example, Thursday evening (at my mom's suggestion, of course), my boyfriend pinned me down and he and my daughter tickled me for about half an hour! I was laughing so hard my sides hurt! It was fun.

My boyfriend and I are doing very well, and for those of you who haven't heard, for my birthday (Nov. 25), he gave me a bright red bathrobe and matching slippers. He says red looks nice on me. The bathrobe and slippers, however, have significance; I can't bring them home... they stay at his house, hanging on a hook on the back of his bedroom door, right next to his bathrobe. :) I love it! It’s the perfect gift... significant without being committal... nice. He also gave me a 60-day WoW card, so we can play WoW together... yeah! He's such a great boyfriend... intelligent, funny, affectionate, socially adept, considerate, intuitive... I can go on and on... I'm really happy with him, and I like him a lot.

So, all in all, my crazy world is going on as it always does, and I'm struggling forward, one step at a time, trying to get to a peaceful, secure place in my life. I'll get there one day; even if that day is the day I die... I will get there. And I'll enjoy every moment along the way. :)

NIN rocks!

Last night, I had my first sushi... It was OK, but not my favorite food. I didn't gag or get sick, so I'll eat it again. :) Then to the BOK center in Tulsa for a really bad opening band called Boris. I've never heard of them, and it's because they sucked! Finally, NIN came on, and it was AWESOME!!!! I had SO much fun, and I know my boyfriend did too! His only complaint was that the seats were tiny, and he couldn't get comfortable. After NIN, we joined some of his friends for booze and games, and I had my first Absinthe... nice. We finally hit the hay around 3am. All in all, it was an awesome Saturday!

I know you all are jealous, but don't hate me. :)

Change is the only constant...

So, my boyfriend blogged back in September about NIN coming to Tulsa and how he really wanted to go. I wasn't dating him then, but the good stalker girlfriend that I am, I read all of his blogs, so I read that one, of course. This inspired me, as concert tickets are a really great gift idea. So, especially since I got a job this last week, and one that gives me a daily paycheck, I decided to get him a NIN ticket as an early Christmas present. I finally told him about it tonight, and instead of a pretty nice seat by himself, he would rather take two not-so-great seats, so I can tag along. I left that entirely up to him, as I am not a huge NIN fan, but he said he'd rather have me along so I can watch him enjoy his Christmas present. :)

My first concern is whether or not I'd like the music, so I've been listening to NIN all night. I like it, for the most part. I espcially liked the studio version of "Something I Can Never Have" that I found on YouTube. That song is great. Very beautiful, very poetic, it makes my soul smile. This concern is no longer a concern.

My second concern is that I am too goody-goody for a NIN concert. I told my boyfriend, "I don't want to look like the white bread girl who wandered in off the street for a NIN concert because she thought they were talking about manicures..." He rofl'd to that. :D But I have always worried about looking too "white bread", so much so that I got my cartilidge and tongue pierced, and when I have the money, I'm getting my kids names tattooed on my wrists. My boyfriend said, "dress how you like to don't worry about how other people see you." I wish I could do that, but I have never been able to, even as I admire people who can. Why can't I just let loose and dress the way I want? Why am I so easliy influenced by those around me? I mean, look at me! I'm listening to NIN and planning to go to their concert to please my boyfriend. Why?

Because I'm a people pleaser? Because I enjoy acceptance and society and friendship? Or because I lack any kind of a backbone? Because I lack a personal identity of my own? Do I lack self will?

The thing is, the changes that each person in my life impress upon me are ususally permanant. Thanks to my first husband, I still like Monty Python, Simon and Garfunkle, and Magic: the Gathering. The boyfriend after him taught me to like beer, vodka, and manicures. :) The boyfriend before my second husband inspired me to get my piercings and introduced me to Flyleaf and Munchkin. My second husband gave me Cake, the Venture Bros., and Across the Universe. Now it's NIN. And you know, it's not just boyfriends and husbands. One of my HS friends taught me to love anime and Dungeons and Dragons. Another led me to country music. My brothers led me to WoW, and my sister-in-law led me to Kevin Smith movies and reality TV. Her sister led me to Wicked, Rent, and Norah Jones. I am who I am today because I try new things to please the people around me, and I find that I like the things I try. Does that mean I don't know who I am, that I have no static personality? Absolutely not. It just means that I am willing to try new things, to admit ignorance and correct it.

Ok, I'm listening to NIN "Fragile" right now... I really like this song. I'm liking more and more of the songs I'm hearing. I think I'm really going to like this concert on Saturday. Of course, there's the added bonus that it's going to make my boyfriend so happy he'll love me long time... sweet! :) Now I've just heard "Right Where It Belongs" and I liked that song too. NIN fan in the making here!

My birthday is coming up in a week. My boyfriend claims he's buying me apple schnopps for my birthday. Party! Drunk Lynda is SO fun! And pathetic! What is he thinking? I'd prefer a ring or a bracelet or a watch or some other nice piece of jewelry (that has absolutely no culturally-derived relationship-related sinificance). :) Or a really good book (The Magician, the sequal to The Alchemist... my ex stole my other copy... indian giver), or a movie I want (like Becoming Jane) or a new pair of shoes (ssshhhhoooooeeeessssssssssss). I think I just came a little. New shoes... sacred words. Steve Maddens... (angels break into hallelujahs in the heavens above)... For the shoe ignorant, Steve Maddens (about $75 a pair), available only at Dillards, are the poor girls' Manolo Blahniks (about $400 a pair) or Jimmy Chews (about $200 a pair). Someday I will save up a lot of money and fly to New York JUST to buy myself a pair of Manolos (again with the angels). :) At least my sister-in-law gets what I mean. ;)

Anyway, enough birthday gift hints. Merry Christmas honey! Kisses and hugs!

And to the rest of you, g'nite.

Random Thoughts

Have you ever made a decision that seemed like a good idea at the time, but later you realized it was a huge mistake? This is the story of my life. I follow my heart, make decisions I "feel" are right or good, and they come back to bite me in my butt 9 times out of 10. I try asking advice from trusted friends and family, I try praying, I try following social norms, but it all always seems to backfire on me somehow. Why is that? Is there a sign on my forehead or back that says, "Go ahead, crap on me, break my heart, treat me badly, I don't mind." They say, "What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger." Who came up with that retarded statement? Yeah, if a car crash doesn't kill you, it'll make you stronger, but only after an immense amount of pain, weakness, humiliation, and hard work. Who wants to go through all that just to be a little stronger? Not me.

The only consolation I have is that "time heals all wounds." People who have hurt me in the past are my friends now. I don't hold grudges; it may take me a while to heal, but I eventually let it all go. For example, my first ex-husband, and I are cool now, friends even. We have our daughter's best interests at heart, and parents that get along is healthy for everyone involved. I'm even good friends with his wife. As another example, even with some recent drama, I have neutral-to-friendly thoughts about a certain ex-boyfriend of mine and his girlfriend/fiance. It's almost like the recent drama we had just finished it for me, like the final blow that kills a twitching insect or something. I'm sure there's a better analogy, I just can't think of it. Not that I was pining or anything, but I did have residual feelings of anger and general confusion. Those feelings are gone now, poof, like evaporated water. If I ever have contact with them again in this plane of existence, I think I could be nice to them, even friendly, possibly even friends. Not that they care, or anyone else cares for that matter. Why am I typing this? Who even reads my blogs besides my sister-in-law, and I tell her all this crap.

Blogs are redundant.

Anyway, I want to blog about this incredibly adorable (though somewhat annoying) personality trait that my boyfriend has, but I'm afraid I'll embarrass him, so I won't... at least not yet. I'll wait until we've been together longer, until the relationship is strong enough to endure a little embarrassment. :D If I did blog about it, he'd make me sit in the corner, and I hate that. LOL

My daughter is at her dad's in AZ for another week-and-a-half. I already miss her. I want my midget to come home. She brightens every day so much, and she's just fun and adorable.

I have a job. I'm a waitress at Rib Crib (hey, don't knock it - it's hard work). At least my mom will let up on some of her nagging now.

My neighbor is going to teach me how to fight. I have a couple of soon-to-be-ex-in-laws that I need to prepare for. They need to back off or feel my wrath, and my neighbor is going to help me make sure they really feel it. Awesome. Piss me off, see what happens.

Ok, I have to go play games and be social. All good things must end.

I should not drink...

... because I become an emotional time bomb after I sober up. Why is that? Is it simply because I lack a Y-chromosome? Doubtful, as I don't see other women acting the same way. Is it because I never grew up... I'm immature? More likely... psychological damage can do that to a person. That sounds like pshycho-babble... "My mommy didn't love me enough - My daddy was never around..." Bull hockey. Am I just hard-wired this way, like it's a part of my personality? Maybe. If so, is it possible to change it? Again, maybe.

On the other hand, I have to ask the question, "Do I want to?" I like that I wear my heart on my sleeve. No surprises with me... what you see is what you get. I'm an emotional rollercoaster, and I know it. But I think I enjoy the sad and angry and frustrated as much as the happy and content. I love that I can feel, and feel deeply. It makes life that much richer for me, that much more meaningful. I know that doesn't work for everyone, but it does for me.

The thing is, I really hate drama and confrontation. So, to avoid these distasteful things in my life, should I try to regulate or nullify my emotions?

Also, in my experience, people tend to prefer other people who are not an open book, who are more enigmatic and mysterious. People tend to like and gravitate toward people they can't figure out, can't define, can't predict. Would I have more friends if I changed?

Can I even change? I cave to peer pressure... I am easily influenced by those around me... I am a people-pleaser... I lack self-will, will-power. Can I change?

I invite, even encourage, comments to this post, please.

Congratulations!

I just want to say gratz to a certain couple I know that apparently just got engaged (unless a diamond ring on the third finger of the left hand means something else I don't know about...). They've been together a long time, they seem really happy, and I'm happy for them. Congratulations, you two! I wish you all the best!

(Of course, I'm assuming they'll read this, which they may not...)

Why's Everybody Always Picking On Me?

I swear to all that is holy, if one more person picks on me today, I'm gonna scream! Pick, pick, pick, everybody, all day, so far.

Do I sound a little whiney? I feel like it. Well, too bad for you, the reader, because that's what my blogs are for... my rants and raves about my life. This is a rant.

I am getting really tired of people around me questioning my decision to let my kids spend the weekend with my son's granny. She loves him, and she loves my daughter too. She has been begging me for months to let them spend the night or the weekend with her. Yes, I finally gave in because I have a new boyfriend, but not because he is more important than my children. On the contrary.

It works this way... let me see if I can explain it. When I had no boyfriend, letting my kids go for a night or a weekend would have been depressing. I would have sat around my house, missing my kids and worrying about them the whole time. Having a boyfriend distracts me from my worries, gives me something else to focus on. Of course, I don't want to trivialize my relationship, because I like him very much; he is NOT a mere distraction. But spending a little alone time with him on the weekends does distract me from missing and worrying about my kids.

Also, I like and trust my in-laws more and more as I get to know them. I really started to feel comfortable with them at a family reunion they had in September (I think that's when it was... it wasn't too long ago). I met all my ex's brothers, as well as their wives and children. I liked them... most of them are not as trashy as my ex, and not as crass and abrupt as his mom. Most of them seem like fairly normal people, working hard to do their best for their families. I watched them interact with my children, and they all adore them. I actually felt a real sense of family that day, and finally (after 2 years together) felt a sense of belonging to his family. Sad, then, that we're getting divorced, huh? Tough. He made that bed, now he has to lie in it. I'm not going to change my mind just because I like his family.

Another point I want to make is this: what else am I supposed to do? I'm a single mom... I want, even need, a social/personal life, but to protect my kids, that life needs to be fairly separate from them. They don't need to meet with every guy I date, and they certainly don't need to bond with them. They have met my current boyfriend, but I want to keep it light and friendly for now. I don't want them getting attached yet. What if it doesn't work out? Hope for the best, plan for the worst. While I hope everything keeps going well, I have to plan for the worst to protect my kids.

So to keep my kids out of it, I need someone to watch my kids while I date. If I didn't have family close by, I'd hire a babysitter, like a normal single mom, like the ones you see on TV or in movies. But I have plenty of family close by. However, my family is unable or unwilling to watch my kids. So I have turned to my son's family. They WANT to see my kids; they have BEGGED me time and time again to see them, to have them for a night or a weekend.

The situation is win/win for them and me. And my children learn that they have LOTS of family that love them. My daughter already has her dad's whole family, and now she has her stepdad's - it's just more people who love her, more people to love. When I went through my divorce with her dad, it took me a while to accept the whole "blended family" idea. But once I wrapped my mind around it, and pushed aside my hurt and angry feelings, I realized that my daughter's stepmom is right. My daughter has grown up with two families, twice the love, twice the number of people that care about her. What an awesome thing for her! Now she has a third family, her brother's family, who all love her and consider her a part of the family. I love and appreciate how they have all welcomed her with open arms. I have come to believe that "family" is not about blood, but about love. My daughter has had lots of love and lots of family while growing up, and will continue to do so. I know that my son will grow up the same, lots of love and lots of family. I'm glad.

Dangit, I still don't feel better. Probably because I have another issue weighing down on me, but I don't want to blog about it. It's more private. There is more chance of ridicule, rejection, and "I told you so". There is more chance of miscommunication, injured feelings, and all around bad things. So I'll keep it to myself, and air it with the other party involved in person when I get the chance.

So, my mom just walked through the house... nag, nag, nag... can she go for 5 seconds without nagging me about something? Would it kill her? Really? I deperately need my own place before I commit matricide. Infernal woman! Stewie Griffin has the right idea. Blast her to smithereens! Hahaha!

I'm going to go scream and smoke. I'm done here... for now.

Nobody Likes a Quitter!

A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend informs me that his parents are quitting smoking on Monday, October 27, and he plans to quit with them. So I volunteered to quit with him. Silly girl, quitting is for rabbits... Hahaha. Anyway, I made it through Monday just fine, though I was a little cranky. I cracked yesterday... I had a "social cigarette" with my brother and our neighbor. Then I had another one before bed with just my brother. Today, I've had 3 already, all with my brother and sis-in-law, who both (obviously) smoke. Man, it's HARD to quit when the people around you still smoke. And cold turkey... what was I thinking!?!?!? I had been up to about a pack a day, and I tried to go cold turkey? Effing crazy, I tell you! I want to quit for my kids, I don't want them to have that example as they grow up. I also want to quit for my health, and to save money, and to support my boyfriend and his parents, etc., etc. But, as my sis-in-law says, until I am ready to quit for myself, because I am ready to quit, I won't be successful. I'm going to keep trying, but I think I'm going to have to be just a social smoker for a couple of weeks before I completely quit 100%.

I should never have started. It started just as smoking while drinking at the bar, back in March 2006. Sometimes, if I got really stressed out, I'd have one to calm down, or if I couldn't sleep. But seriously, 1 pack lasted me about 6 months! IAround October/November 2006, I began smoking more and more, as that was a very stressful time in my life. Then I started a job where something like 90% of the employees smoke, so I smoked with my co-workers. Then my sis-in-law started smoking again, and I met my second husband, who smoked, and I caved to the peer-pressure and smoked with all the smokers in my life. When I got pregnant (May 2007 to January 2008), I cut way back, but I never really quit. I had 1 pack last me for pretty much all of the last 5 months of my pregnancy. Just 2 short months after my son's birth, I started back up again, which I think is a huge factor in my inability to breastfeed this time around. As I told my mom a few months ago, "I know smoking is wrong, but I am wallowing in my sin, and I'm not ready to quit yet." As long as I'm enjoying it too much, I'm not going to be able to quit.

But I'm going to cut way back, and at least give it a good ol' college try. That's the least I can do for all the reasons and people involved. Maybe I'll actually quit; maybe not. But I can try. Of course, as Yoda says, "Do or do not; there is no try."

Issues # 1, 2, & 3

Several emotions and thoughts are running rampant through my head and heart right now. Where to start? Let's list all the crazy today...

Issue #1: My mom called me on the phone last night to waste my minutes and hers just to yell at me about what horrible decisions I am making and how I suck as a mom and as a daughter. She yelled all of this at me while I was in the car with my boyfriend and my 8-year-old daughter! Did she care? No! So of course, when the conversation is over, and we get out of the car, my daughter says, "I heard the whole conversation..." I turned to her and told her that I was making bad decisions in my life, and I knew that, but I was at a point in my life where I just don't really care. I told her I didn't want her to follow my example, I want her to make good decisions and be a good girl. I told her I was trying to be a good mommy, and that I love her, and eventually everything will work out OK. We both cried and hugged and kissed, and I felt like a complete pile of cow dung afterwards.

My mother-in-law wants to see my kids. Now that I actually have something I want to do on the weekends, I have given in and let her take them. But that's not the only reason. It's not just Granny watching them... it's Daddy, 2 aunts, 2 uncles, and sometimes a thrid aunt and uncle as well. There are lots of people around to diffuse any bad influences. Also, though they are my son's family, they love my daughter as family, and accept her and care for her too. Lastly, the more I get to know my son's grandma, the more I like her. Yes, she is crass and abrupt, but she is caring and loving too. She doesn't put up with anyone's crap, and I admire that. I know my kids are in the hands of someone that will protect them with her life. They're her grandkids, and she loves them.

My marriage to my husband has been long over. He never acted like a husband, never fulfilled his parts of our legally binding contract, so why should I honor that contract now? Should a stupid piece of paper that means nothing to either of the parties whose signatures are on it, keep me from being happy? Should I really put myself in limbo, or deep freeze, or whatever until I manage to scrape up the money for a divorce? I want to be happy NOW, and after being unhappy for so long, I am unwilling to wait any longer. I have the chance to be with someone that fits me, to see where it goes, and I'm grabbing it, with both hands.

Enough about my crazy mom that drives me crazy (I need to just move out - living with her is ALWAYS a bad decision!). And enough about my bad decisions. I know what they are, and I'll deal with the consequences.

Issue #2: Flying around in my head and heart today is my boyfriend's recent tirade on his blog. He entitled it 'Trust and Communication' and there's a part 1 and a part 2. Part 1 seemed so promising, eloquent, and in-depth, but he lost his anger and his momentum, so while part 2 is still good, it didn't live up to the hype. The issue is not his posts, as I agree with them, whole heartedly. The issue running around inside me is his disclaimer: "This entry is not directed at a person or persons..." While I want to trust him, and I do, I still feel that the posts are directed at someone. And while several names bounce around in my head, I feel it is most directed at me. Aren't I just defeating my own purpose here? I feel like his posts about trust and communication are directed at me, instead of trusting him when he says they're not, and I'm venting about it here, instead of communicating my feelings to him in person? Good Lord! I act like such a teenage girl sometimes! I AM my own worst enemy!

OK, nevermind that.

Issue #3: Some random, annonymous person posted that they liked my blogs and wished they were all public. Well, anyone who has been following my blogs since day 1 knows that I cannot have them all public anymore because of dramatic privacy issues, as well as promises made. The issue that inspired my boyfriend's Trust and Communication series, also inspired my privacy issues. Sorry. Here on blogger, I feel a little more free to post my feelings, because if anyone has anything mean or belittling to post about it, I have to approve that post first... ultimate power Mwuhahaha! But I'm still being cautious and not using a lot of names... let me proofread, and make sure it's no names... ok, name free!

In a perfect world, I could blog all I wanted and share everything, and everyone would just read it and bite their tongues. Or they would offer helpful advise, or words of comfort. But no! People have to say the mean things, take what I say out of context, or get offended when I state my opinion, like I offered it up as gospel. Let me say here and now: THIS IS ALL JUST MY OPINION, JUST MY POINT-OF-VIEW, JUST MY FEELINGS... IT IS NOT MEANT AS GOSPEL OR TRUTH OR FACT OF ANY KIND. That said, let me also add that I believe it all as truth, as it is MY truth... I believe truth is subjective. Twenty people can witness the same event, and when you ask them, you are going to get 20 different stories of what happened and how. Our recent issue of drama was a difference of opinions. The two people involved have completely different memories of what happened, therefore two different versions of truth. My boyfriend is caught in the middle, and all I ask of him is trust and communication - trust me when I say I am not the same person now that I was then, I am constantly trying to learn from my past mistakes, and I am studiously trying to be a better person - and communicate with me anytime I become pushy or overbearing, anytime I rush things or overstep boundaries, anytime I make him uncomfortable. So far, we are doing very well. I hope we continue to do so.

I think I've used up all my crazy for today. I'm exhausted. More later.

Welcome to me!

Is that a little egotistical to welcome myself? Nah! Who cares anyway? The people who like me, like me even when I'm a nut, and the people who don't like me aren't worth worrying about. That's my personal philosophy. "We like people for their virtures; we love them for their vices." I don't know where I got that quote, but I love it. I use it all the time, everywhere.

I don't really have anything to blog about today, just wanted to welocme myself to this site. Like I need another place to embarrass myself to the public... let the whole world see my crazy, I don't care! Hahaha