Have you ever noticed that sometimes when you are going through a significant moment in your life, a certain song will really resonate with you? And then, forever after, whenever you hear that song, you remember that moment, and what you were feeling, and what you were going through. I have certain songs attatched to my divorce from my first husband, the birth of my daughter, my break up with What's-His-Face, and the birth of my son. I have songs from when I was in high school, jr high, when I was dating my second husband (Pot Boy), when I lived in Colorado, when I lived in Florida, when I was dating Rebound Guy, etc. I have music for nearly every significant part of my life... 30 years of music.
The point is that I'm currently on this strange roller-coaster ride with Mr. Communication, and I have music for that too! :D On my MySpace page is my playlist, 10 songs that mean something to me. The first 7 definitely apply to Mr. Communication, almost entirely. The last 3 apply in part, a line or two, maybe.
I don't understand him. He claims we're friends, but if he treated all his friends the way he treats me, he wouldn't have any friends. But I'm definitely more than a f*** buddy (sometimes we just hang out, no sex involved). I'm in this weird grey area, and still dealing with the up and down, the back and forth. He's nice one minute, then a complete a** hole the next. And I'm pretty sure he does it on purpose.
On the flip side, when he's asleep (or VERY drunk), he's the sweetest, most affectionate guy - a complete 180 from when he's awake (and sober). LOL I think it's hilarious that he talks in his sleep and has no control over himself. I love it. I thought it was weird at first, but I love it now. Just another thing I love about him. I love it because that's when his walls are down, that's when he's completely himself, and that guy likes me. :)
There are several things about him that tick me off. First of all, I never really got an explanation for the break-up. Second, why does he keep me around if he's just going to treat me badly? Third, he says he doesn't want a relationship, but I think he's assuming I want more than I do. FYI, I'd be perfectly happy just seeing him once or twice a week, which is about what we do now, but I want him to Respect me and Like me (see previous blog). Also, I'd like the title "Girlfriend" simply to mark my territory, but I'm perfectly content with the title "Friend"; however, as I implied earlier, I'd like it if he actually treated me like a friend. As I said (also in the previous blog), a relationship should be tailored to the two people invloved, what makes them happy and comfortable. But he never explained to me why/if he was unhappy and/or uncomfortable, so I was unable to restructure the relationship to avoid the breakup. Again, his inability to communicate is extremely frustrating. :)
This blog is completely chaotic and rambling. There's no structure, whatsoever. Ah, well, there's no structure to my thoughts these days anyway.
FYI, I got fired on Sunday. It was completely unfair, an honest mistake on my part, and several people went to bat for me, but the GM of the store had it in for me, so I got canned. Good. Now I can get a better paying, fabulous job that I love and for which I can actually respect myself. Yeah! However there is the slight hitch of paying for bills and taking care of my kids in the meantime... tiny bit of business... LOL.
I'll be OK. No matter how many times in your life the sun sets, remember that it always rises again the next morning.
Another FYI - my daughter is visiting her dad in Arizona for the next several weeks. I always miss her when she's gone. But I know she has lots of fun, and her dad loves seeing her.
More later. Go listen to my playlist. It's food for the soul. http://www.myspace.com/lynnalu
14 years ago
