Reflection

I've spent several months thinking about the past. It seems the past won't leave me alone, and now it has grabbed my full attention.

Alfred, Lord Tennyson said, "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." He speaks against inaction. It isn't enough to exist... you need to really live. Don't sit by and let life move all around you. Get into it. Make a few mistakes. Make a mess. Create a little chaos. Have fun.

I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't live, but just exists. Yes, we all have responsibilities and obligations to fulfill, and those should be priorities, but don't let your obligations keep you from enjoying life. Don't let your job or your self-interest keep you from your family (or from having a family). Don't let self-preservation or fear keep you from love. Don't let sloth or money keep you from the satisfaction of a hard day's work and a job well done. Balance the pleasures of solitude and quiet with the joys of company and friendship.

Don't live your life in fear of the future, or regretting the past. Learn from the past, plan for the future, but live for today. And live in today. When something bad happens, take a little time to heal, make amends, etc. Then, move on, wiser, stronger, and more prepared.

I'll be the first to admit that I have had my fair share of relationships (probably more). As I think back over them, however, I don't regret them, even the short ones. I always got something out of each one: kids, a car, furniture, new hobbies and interests, knowledge about myself, understanding of men, a good time, etc. I try hard not to regret or resent the bad parts, since the good usually outweighs the bad.

My first husband gave me my daughter, and a list of items and ideals, including a working knowledge of myself and men. Rebound guy gave me a car, as well as the emotional and financial support that I needed at a low point in my life, and I'll always appreciate that. What's-His-Face gave me a better understanding of myself and the mistakes I was making in relationships, and life. He also gave me a few new hobbies and interests, which I enjoy. Pot Boy gave me my son, and a peek at God's sense of humor (be careful what you ask for...). Mr. Communication gave me new hobbies and interests, a better look at the dynamics and variables of relationships, and a new sense of self-worth vs. self-doubt.

Every relationship has its good and its bad. Those who really live are the ones who choose to see the good and learn from the bad. They don't allow their mistakes or their pain to hold them back from the next relationship. They keep in mind that no matter how bleak, messy, confusing, or hopeless a situation can become, it can always be lightened, explained, straightened out, fixed, cleaned up, forgiven, or forgotten. Karma usually gives you a chance to make things right before she bites you in the ass.

There's really only one relationship I still have any regrets about, and it's not the relationship I regret, but how it ended. About five years ago, I dated a guy for a few weeks in the summer. I really liked him, but when I heard a nasty rumor that was going around about him, I freaked out, and refused to talk to him anymore. A few months later, I discovered the truth: the allegations were proven false. I felt horrible, mortified, embarrassed. A short while later, I heard that he'd moved out of state. I have always regretted that I was never able to say, "I'm sorry," that I never had a chance to make things right.

The dramatic ending of the relationship didn't stop me from moving on (after a while). The discovery of my horrible mistake wounded me, and knocked the wind out of me for a bit, but I learned from it, and kept going. While I wish I could apologize and attempt compensation, I don't let it stop me from living my life to the fullest.

My point is that life moves on. The world doesn't stop because a relationship ends. Your heart won't stop beating, your job won't wait for you, your kids won't stop growing, the sun won't stop rising and setting. Take some time to heal, yes, but then get back on the bike and try again. Keep riding, keep going. Don't let the mistakes you've made keep you from your responsibilities, and your life. Don't let some guy, who has chosen to exist rather than live, keep you from living. Don't let someone else's lies create doubt in your heart. Don't let someone else's inconsideration shake your faith in yourself. Don't regret the past - learn from it, appreciate it, share it. And remember that even though Karma's a bitch, sometimes she gives you just what you need. :)

Thank you Karma... it's about time.

In Memoriam
by Alfred, Lord Tennyson

XXVII.


I envy not in any moods
The captive void of noble rage,
The linnet born within the cage,
That never knew the summer woods:

I envy not the beast that takes
His license in the field of time,
Unfetter’d by the sense of crime,
To whom a conscience never wakes;

Nor, what may count itself as blest,
The heart that never plighted troth
But stagnates in the weeds of sloth;
Nor any want-begotten rest.

I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
’Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

Tennyson rocks! (If you read it out loud to yourself with a British accent, it sounds awesome!)