Why's Everybody Always Picking On Me?

I swear to all that is holy, if one more person picks on me today, I'm gonna scream! Pick, pick, pick, everybody, all day, so far.

Do I sound a little whiney? I feel like it. Well, too bad for you, the reader, because that's what my blogs are for... my rants and raves about my life. This is a rant.

I am getting really tired of people around me questioning my decision to let my kids spend the weekend with my son's granny. She loves him, and she loves my daughter too. She has been begging me for months to let them spend the night or the weekend with her. Yes, I finally gave in because I have a new boyfriend, but not because he is more important than my children. On the contrary.

It works this way... let me see if I can explain it. When I had no boyfriend, letting my kids go for a night or a weekend would have been depressing. I would have sat around my house, missing my kids and worrying about them the whole time. Having a boyfriend distracts me from my worries, gives me something else to focus on. Of course, I don't want to trivialize my relationship, because I like him very much; he is NOT a mere distraction. But spending a little alone time with him on the weekends does distract me from missing and worrying about my kids.

Also, I like and trust my in-laws more and more as I get to know them. I really started to feel comfortable with them at a family reunion they had in September (I think that's when it was... it wasn't too long ago). I met all my ex's brothers, as well as their wives and children. I liked them... most of them are not as trashy as my ex, and not as crass and abrupt as his mom. Most of them seem like fairly normal people, working hard to do their best for their families. I watched them interact with my children, and they all adore them. I actually felt a real sense of family that day, and finally (after 2 years together) felt a sense of belonging to his family. Sad, then, that we're getting divorced, huh? Tough. He made that bed, now he has to lie in it. I'm not going to change my mind just because I like his family.

Another point I want to make is this: what else am I supposed to do? I'm a single mom... I want, even need, a social/personal life, but to protect my kids, that life needs to be fairly separate from them. They don't need to meet with every guy I date, and they certainly don't need to bond with them. They have met my current boyfriend, but I want to keep it light and friendly for now. I don't want them getting attached yet. What if it doesn't work out? Hope for the best, plan for the worst. While I hope everything keeps going well, I have to plan for the worst to protect my kids.

So to keep my kids out of it, I need someone to watch my kids while I date. If I didn't have family close by, I'd hire a babysitter, like a normal single mom, like the ones you see on TV or in movies. But I have plenty of family close by. However, my family is unable or unwilling to watch my kids. So I have turned to my son's family. They WANT to see my kids; they have BEGGED me time and time again to see them, to have them for a night or a weekend.

The situation is win/win for them and me. And my children learn that they have LOTS of family that love them. My daughter already has her dad's whole family, and now she has her stepdad's - it's just more people who love her, more people to love. When I went through my divorce with her dad, it took me a while to accept the whole "blended family" idea. But once I wrapped my mind around it, and pushed aside my hurt and angry feelings, I realized that my daughter's stepmom is right. My daughter has grown up with two families, twice the love, twice the number of people that care about her. What an awesome thing for her! Now she has a third family, her brother's family, who all love her and consider her a part of the family. I love and appreciate how they have all welcomed her with open arms. I have come to believe that "family" is not about blood, but about love. My daughter has had lots of love and lots of family while growing up, and will continue to do so. I know that my son will grow up the same, lots of love and lots of family. I'm glad.

Dangit, I still don't feel better. Probably because I have another issue weighing down on me, but I don't want to blog about it. It's more private. There is more chance of ridicule, rejection, and "I told you so". There is more chance of miscommunication, injured feelings, and all around bad things. So I'll keep it to myself, and air it with the other party involved in person when I get the chance.

So, my mom just walked through the house... nag, nag, nag... can she go for 5 seconds without nagging me about something? Would it kill her? Really? I deperately need my own place before I commit matricide. Infernal woman! Stewie Griffin has the right idea. Blast her to smithereens! Hahaha!

I'm going to go scream and smoke. I'm done here... for now.

Nobody Likes a Quitter!

A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend informs me that his parents are quitting smoking on Monday, October 27, and he plans to quit with them. So I volunteered to quit with him. Silly girl, quitting is for rabbits... Hahaha. Anyway, I made it through Monday just fine, though I was a little cranky. I cracked yesterday... I had a "social cigarette" with my brother and our neighbor. Then I had another one before bed with just my brother. Today, I've had 3 already, all with my brother and sis-in-law, who both (obviously) smoke. Man, it's HARD to quit when the people around you still smoke. And cold turkey... what was I thinking!?!?!? I had been up to about a pack a day, and I tried to go cold turkey? Effing crazy, I tell you! I want to quit for my kids, I don't want them to have that example as they grow up. I also want to quit for my health, and to save money, and to support my boyfriend and his parents, etc., etc. But, as my sis-in-law says, until I am ready to quit for myself, because I am ready to quit, I won't be successful. I'm going to keep trying, but I think I'm going to have to be just a social smoker for a couple of weeks before I completely quit 100%.

I should never have started. It started just as smoking while drinking at the bar, back in March 2006. Sometimes, if I got really stressed out, I'd have one to calm down, or if I couldn't sleep. But seriously, 1 pack lasted me about 6 months! IAround October/November 2006, I began smoking more and more, as that was a very stressful time in my life. Then I started a job where something like 90% of the employees smoke, so I smoked with my co-workers. Then my sis-in-law started smoking again, and I met my second husband, who smoked, and I caved to the peer-pressure and smoked with all the smokers in my life. When I got pregnant (May 2007 to January 2008), I cut way back, but I never really quit. I had 1 pack last me for pretty much all of the last 5 months of my pregnancy. Just 2 short months after my son's birth, I started back up again, which I think is a huge factor in my inability to breastfeed this time around. As I told my mom a few months ago, "I know smoking is wrong, but I am wallowing in my sin, and I'm not ready to quit yet." As long as I'm enjoying it too much, I'm not going to be able to quit.

But I'm going to cut way back, and at least give it a good ol' college try. That's the least I can do for all the reasons and people involved. Maybe I'll actually quit; maybe not. But I can try. Of course, as Yoda says, "Do or do not; there is no try."

Issues # 1, 2, & 3

Several emotions and thoughts are running rampant through my head and heart right now. Where to start? Let's list all the crazy today...

Issue #1: My mom called me on the phone last night to waste my minutes and hers just to yell at me about what horrible decisions I am making and how I suck as a mom and as a daughter. She yelled all of this at me while I was in the car with my boyfriend and my 8-year-old daughter! Did she care? No! So of course, when the conversation is over, and we get out of the car, my daughter says, "I heard the whole conversation..." I turned to her and told her that I was making bad decisions in my life, and I knew that, but I was at a point in my life where I just don't really care. I told her I didn't want her to follow my example, I want her to make good decisions and be a good girl. I told her I was trying to be a good mommy, and that I love her, and eventually everything will work out OK. We both cried and hugged and kissed, and I felt like a complete pile of cow dung afterwards.

My mother-in-law wants to see my kids. Now that I actually have something I want to do on the weekends, I have given in and let her take them. But that's not the only reason. It's not just Granny watching them... it's Daddy, 2 aunts, 2 uncles, and sometimes a thrid aunt and uncle as well. There are lots of people around to diffuse any bad influences. Also, though they are my son's family, they love my daughter as family, and accept her and care for her too. Lastly, the more I get to know my son's grandma, the more I like her. Yes, she is crass and abrupt, but she is caring and loving too. She doesn't put up with anyone's crap, and I admire that. I know my kids are in the hands of someone that will protect them with her life. They're her grandkids, and she loves them.

My marriage to my husband has been long over. He never acted like a husband, never fulfilled his parts of our legally binding contract, so why should I honor that contract now? Should a stupid piece of paper that means nothing to either of the parties whose signatures are on it, keep me from being happy? Should I really put myself in limbo, or deep freeze, or whatever until I manage to scrape up the money for a divorce? I want to be happy NOW, and after being unhappy for so long, I am unwilling to wait any longer. I have the chance to be with someone that fits me, to see where it goes, and I'm grabbing it, with both hands.

Enough about my crazy mom that drives me crazy (I need to just move out - living with her is ALWAYS a bad decision!). And enough about my bad decisions. I know what they are, and I'll deal with the consequences.

Issue #2: Flying around in my head and heart today is my boyfriend's recent tirade on his blog. He entitled it 'Trust and Communication' and there's a part 1 and a part 2. Part 1 seemed so promising, eloquent, and in-depth, but he lost his anger and his momentum, so while part 2 is still good, it didn't live up to the hype. The issue is not his posts, as I agree with them, whole heartedly. The issue running around inside me is his disclaimer: "This entry is not directed at a person or persons..." While I want to trust him, and I do, I still feel that the posts are directed at someone. And while several names bounce around in my head, I feel it is most directed at me. Aren't I just defeating my own purpose here? I feel like his posts about trust and communication are directed at me, instead of trusting him when he says they're not, and I'm venting about it here, instead of communicating my feelings to him in person? Good Lord! I act like such a teenage girl sometimes! I AM my own worst enemy!

OK, nevermind that.

Issue #3: Some random, annonymous person posted that they liked my blogs and wished they were all public. Well, anyone who has been following my blogs since day 1 knows that I cannot have them all public anymore because of dramatic privacy issues, as well as promises made. The issue that inspired my boyfriend's Trust and Communication series, also inspired my privacy issues. Sorry. Here on blogger, I feel a little more free to post my feelings, because if anyone has anything mean or belittling to post about it, I have to approve that post first... ultimate power Mwuhahaha! But I'm still being cautious and not using a lot of names... let me proofread, and make sure it's no names... ok, name free!

In a perfect world, I could blog all I wanted and share everything, and everyone would just read it and bite their tongues. Or they would offer helpful advise, or words of comfort. But no! People have to say the mean things, take what I say out of context, or get offended when I state my opinion, like I offered it up as gospel. Let me say here and now: THIS IS ALL JUST MY OPINION, JUST MY POINT-OF-VIEW, JUST MY FEELINGS... IT IS NOT MEANT AS GOSPEL OR TRUTH OR FACT OF ANY KIND. That said, let me also add that I believe it all as truth, as it is MY truth... I believe truth is subjective. Twenty people can witness the same event, and when you ask them, you are going to get 20 different stories of what happened and how. Our recent issue of drama was a difference of opinions. The two people involved have completely different memories of what happened, therefore two different versions of truth. My boyfriend is caught in the middle, and all I ask of him is trust and communication - trust me when I say I am not the same person now that I was then, I am constantly trying to learn from my past mistakes, and I am studiously trying to be a better person - and communicate with me anytime I become pushy or overbearing, anytime I rush things or overstep boundaries, anytime I make him uncomfortable. So far, we are doing very well. I hope we continue to do so.

I think I've used up all my crazy for today. I'm exhausted. More later.

Welcome to me!

Is that a little egotistical to welcome myself? Nah! Who cares anyway? The people who like me, like me even when I'm a nut, and the people who don't like me aren't worth worrying about. That's my personal philosophy. "We like people for their virtures; we love them for their vices." I don't know where I got that quote, but I love it. I use it all the time, everywhere.

I don't really have anything to blog about today, just wanted to welocme myself to this site. Like I need another place to embarrass myself to the public... let the whole world see my crazy, I don't care! Hahaha