Confused.

"Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down. "

The problem is, there's a fine line between caring enough to break down a wall, and getting arrested for being a stalker. LOL

And how would one supposedly go about breaking down a wall anyway?

And how long has that quote been there?

Does anyone even read my blog? What's the effing point?

Geez, I'm glad I'm going to a bar tonight.

Take Pride in the Little Things

Friday, my son started daycare, and he loves it! He has so much fun. I'm glad he likes it. He gets a little fussy when I drop him off, but the the teacher distracts him with food or toys, so I can slip out. I feel better knowing he's with people that can actually take care of him.

Also, Monday, my older brother and his wife got their van tagged, insured, and running, so they don't have to borrow my car anymore. Yeah! And my younger brother bought a bike, so he can bike himself to and from work. So I finally have my car to myself again. I'm so happy! :D

Baby steps.

I'm one piece of paperwork away from an apartment, and I can hardly wait. Grown women should NEVER live with their mothers! Part of the time, I feel like I'm 16 again ("Mom, can you watch the kids while I run to the store?"). Part of the time I feel like I'm married to her -- scary thought ("Why don't you ever wash the dishes?" she nags...). And part of the time I feel like I'm the mom and she's the daughter ("Mom, you can't feed the kids ice cream and call it dinner!") I just need to get my own place.

I also recognize that living with my mom has allowed me to be lazy, and I need to get out of that before it becomes permanant. I have enough character flaws, I don't need another.

By the way, I have a great quote I've been wanting to post for a while. It's from a Starbucks cup:

The Way I See It #76

The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating -- in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life.

Anne Morriss (www.starbucks.com/wayiseeit)

I love this quote. I've read it several times on my coffee cups in the last month or so. Perhaps I should have shared it sooner. Perhaps sharing it sooner could have saved me some pain. Then again, maybe not.

I will grow stronger; I will need less. I will find someone who needs me, wants me, loves me. Until then, I will commit to my kids, my job, myself. That's all that really matters anyway, right?

Maybe if I keep saying all this psychologically healthy stuff, some of it will actually sink in, and the pain will go away. Maybe.

Valentine's Day Sucks!

Yes, people, I said it! Valentine's Day is officially the worst holiday EVER. Especially when you are sitting home alone when you expected to be with the one you love. Chain-smoking, crying, eating ice cream, and watching chick flicks is a lame way to spend Valentine's Day.

I'm at a loss for words, suddenly. I'd love to pour out all my feelings right here, but I am fearful of who may read it. And I'm such a jumble of conflicting feelings anyway, I wouldn't know where to start.

One thing I do know is that I hate this holiday. I think it should be banned.

I also know that I'll be fine. I did a little relationship math earlier in my head. My first husband and I were together for 4 years, and I was with the guy after him (a rebound) for about a year, so 5 years, right? Then, from Oct 2001 (when the rebound guy left me) to Mar 2006 is about 4 1/2 years. Mar 2006 was when I was finally where I wanted to be. I had a great job, an apartment of my own, I paid all the bills and supported myself and my daughter without help, and I was content and happy. Life was great. So it took me approximately the same amount of time to rebuild myself as I'd been in the relationships I was rebuilding from.

Right now I have 3 relationships in a row to rebuild from - what's-his-face, Sept 2006; my second husband, Dec 2006; and my most recent ex, Oct 2008. So, Sept 2006 to Feb 2009 is what, 2 1/2 years? Yeah. So it'll take me about 2-2 1/2 years to rebuild myself back into a strong, independent, responsible, happy woman. So sometime in Spring 2011, I'll be myself again. That's not too far away. I can do it.

Baby steps. I'm getting my own apartment, and putting my son in daycare. Then I'm going to start looking for a better job, which will probably lead to a better apartment. Eventually, I want to pay off my car and buy a house. I can see myself achieveing those goals by Spring 2011, right? Yeah, I can do that.

Like I said, baby steps. I'll be fine.

And when the time is right, the right guy will come along, and things will work out like they should.

But I'll still hate Valentine's Day for the rest of my life. Stupid day.

In the Space of One Cigarette...

... I got dumped. What the hell? I totally didn't see this coming. He gave me the usual lines, like, "You want more out of this relationship than I do," "This is the best option for us right now," and my least favorite, "I still want to be friends." Maybe he was being honest and sincere, maybe not. I don't particularly care. If we're friends, fine. If not, his loss.

This whole breakup is his loss. If he really loved me, as he said, then he wouldn't be giving up just like that. I'm not interested in being with someone that doesn't want to be with me. I want the fairy tale (don't we all?): I want someone that is madly in love with me, wants to spend time with me, loves my kids, gets along with my family, and is responsible and mature (holds a job, owns a house, car, etc., the usual adult stuff), and takes all my crazy and deals with it, even when it pisses him off or scares him, or whatever. I'm not in a hurry... I got all the time in the world, the rest of my life, in fact. I'll take a relationship fast or slow or whatever feels right. I can get needy and clingy at times, but I can also back off and give space - sometimes I like space myself.

I'm not looking for a perfect guy, but I am looking for the one guy who is perfect for me.

I don't want to get into any breakup details, mainly because I wouldn't know where to start. I was completely blind-sided: I did NOT see this coming. Even in hindsight (being 20/20 like it is), I still don't see it. One day we're happy, with our "I love you's" and everything, and the next day I'm dumped. For a guy so big on communication, he sure didn't communicate to me that he was unhappy about anything. Apparently he's been sitting on these feelings for a while. Thanks.

So, I'll be single for a while. That's fine, I've done it before, for many years. I'm fine with the single-mom thing; I'm good at it, and I know I can be happy and content in that role. I was before, I'll find it again.

And when I'm ready for it, I'll find someone new... hopefully, he'll be the one I'm looking for, and if not, I'll keep looking until I find him.

Alright, enough venting. That's as philosophical as I get tonight. Now I'll cry myself to sleep and be depressed for a few weeks. Then I'll be fine, I'll move on, I'll get stronger and better. But for now, I'll let myself indulge in a good wallow in my misery, for a few days. Any longer is just pathetic. And I refuse to be pathetic.

Move over Wonder Woman; here I come. :)