Girls vs. Boys, and an update.

Men do NOT understand women. Women try to understand men, but usually fail. I firmly believe we are two different species.

I had another sad day yesterday. My guy friend (if you can call him that) basically blew me off, insulted me, and just made everything worse. My girl friends held me as I cried, talked me through it, and tried to convince me to go lesbian (because girls understand girls, and wouldn't treat me the way boys do, because they KNOW, etc.). :) They told me I deserve better than I've had, and after reflection, I agree.

I've had several friends tell me I need to be more selective about whom I date. My girl friends insist that they are going to start screening all my dates, and they'll only let me date the guys (or girls) that will actually treat me well, that might come close to deserving me. They really made me feel much better.

This last week has been hard. I have a lesbian friend who has a new girlfriend, and they are so happy and cute together, which reminds me of how alone and sad I really am. When I'm not around them, I can lie to myself and say I'm just fine.

I feel so isolated and detatched, as I said in my last blog. I feel like the people I connect with the most live so far away. The people here and close are friends, yes, but none so very close as the out-of-town ones. The two friends last night are the two I'm closest to in town, but I still feel detatched from them some of the time, unwanted or uncared for. I know they don't mean to make me feel that way, but they have their own lives, and other people that they are closer to and who are more important to them than me. I'm not the kind of person that wants to be the center of attention all the time, or must have everyone love me the most. However, I think everyone should be #1 to SOMEONE. I feel like I am #1 to no one (my kids, yes, but I'm talking about adult relationships and friendships here).

My sister-in-law told me that I am free. I can do what I like, when I like. I can reinvent myself, rebuild myself into whomever I want to be, the real-and-true me, if I wish, or a different or better version of me. She's right, of course. However, I've been there, done that... and it still got me nothing but heartbreak. Now I have to do it all over again, and I am tired.

Something I read recently told me that I have the power in a relationship. I get to choose whom I date, and men should have to impress me and prove to me that they are worthy of me. If I can keep that in mind, maybe I can actually find a good man (or woman) to spend my life with, or at least a really good friend that's there for me like I'm there for them.

On other fronts in my life, work sucks. I work as a waitress, and once they cut us off the floor (ie, we stop taking tables) we have a ton of "cut work" to do. They expect us to get all this work done in one hour. We either clock out after an hour and finish our work off the clock (which is illegal), or they go in and adjust our time after we clock out (also illegal). Either way, I'm doing work I'm not getting paid for. Granted, it's not much per hour, but it's money I've earned. I need a new job, then I plan to report all my adjusted hours to the corporate office, or the Better Business Bureau, or someone, anyone, who will pay attention, and can actually do something about it. So the job hunt is on again... yeah!

Yesterday, I got out of work, curtesy of my clumsy baby boy. He tripped over his own feet at daycare, and smacked his face good and hard on the floor (a thin utility carpet over a cement floor). He had a big purple bump on his forhead, his nose was swollen and purple, and his nose bled, for a while. My sister-in-law and I took him to the ER, and waited for over two hours! Since he was showing no signs of having a concussion, they offered to do a CAT scan for peace-of-mind (we turned it down), and sent us home. However, I'm pretty sure his nose is broken (again... he just broke it 4 1/2 months ago). So my baby boy, who is not yet 15 months old, has broken his nose twice already. Nice. Poor baby boy!

My new apartment is doing OK. I need to spend one more day moving the last of my things and furniture from my mom's house to my apartment, then spend several days unpacking, organizing, and sifting through everything. On top of that, I haven't even started on my storage unit. I am determined to declutter, have a place for everything, and keep everything in its place. I intend to have a decorative and tasteful apartment, but to also let my personality shine through. I can't wait to have it all done, to have my apartment feel like a home. Yeah!

Lastly, it's snowing here! Yes, on one of the last days of March, a week into Spring, Bartlesville, Oklahoma is getting tons (!) of snow, and it's sticking! On my mom's front stoop, we measured it at 3-4 inches, but I don't know how accurate that is. My poor little car (which is actually front-wheel drive... who knew?) can't handle all of this snow, so my kids and I will most likely be spending the night here at my mom's. Fun. On the plus side, I'm off work tomorrow, so I don't have to go anywhere (and get out in this muck) until Monday morning. Good. Hopefully, it will all melt away before then. :)

Alright, I have a poopy diaper to go change. Later.

Comfort food.

Sunday was a very bad day for me. I felt like the little kid on the playground that no one wants to play with. I felt unwanted, unincluded, unaccepted, and unappreciated. And in my own effing apartment too! WTF! I felt like even though everyone was being nice to me and trying to cheer me up (their words), they were really thinking GTFO (their actions). Things got a little better when my friend (Mr. Communication) held me for a while, called himself my "comfort food" (I like that), and we talked for a while.

That conversation, plus one I had with my Tennessee friend on Tuesday, have helped me feel better and figure a few things out. I need to be more comfortable in my skin. Mr. Communication suggested that I stop caring what people think and just be myself. But Miss Tennessee pointed out that not caring what people think isn't me. I like to please people, I like to feel liked and accepted. I've decided I need to find a balance. I still want to keep the peace and please others, but I need to stop letting others dictate my life and take advantage of me. I DO need to find myself again: Pot Boy took a lot of me away from me, he tore me down a lot. I need to find who I was 3 years ago, but different, as so many things have happened to me since then.

Miss Tennessee made a good point... Mr. Communication has a different point-of-view than I do. He is coming into his 20's (he's 23). When you are that age, life looks very different then it does to someone like me, leaving my 20's (entering my 30's - yikes!). I have realized that life can be (and usually is) very lonely. With all my friends and work and social activities, at the end of the day, I go home, tuck in my kids, and then I'm alone. And lonely.

I crave an emotional connection. Sex simulates it, familial relationships simulate it, but they aren't the same. Even my close relationships with my kids aren't the same. I need a close adult relationship, not necessarily sexual or romantic. My closest friends live in Utah, Arizona, Missouri, and Tennessee, and I have no significant other. I need someone that loves me as I am, is there when I need them, puts up with all my crazy, includes me in their life, and knows that I'll do the same for them. I need someone to share my secrets with, be myself around. Someone to cry on, fight with, laugh together, etc. Someone that I can make that deep, close, intimate, emotional connection with. Intelligent conversation, some similar interests, care and concern for each other, trust, loyalty, respect... You get the point. Either a significant other, or just a best friend, I need someone. I feel so detatched from the world in general, and my world in particular. I have friends at work, friends of friends all over, and my family, but no one that I feel that close too (as I said, they all live out of state).

I know I come with a lot on my plate, but I think I'm worth it. I give my all to people, I'm there when they need me, and I'll help out anyway I can. I listen, I care, I love. I accept whatever you are, whatever you can give, whatever today's mood is, and give you everything in return. I do that for my close friends as well as my significant others. At least, I try. I haven't always been that way, and I have more growing to do, but I can be a great friend, and a great girlfriend.

Or am I completely wrong? Do I suck as friend? Do I suck as girlfriend/wife? Is that why I'm alone?

Ok, enough. Anymore, and I'm gonna start crying. Good nite y'all!

Internal Contemplation

On days like today, for some reason, I find myself examining myself. I am my harshest critic. I almost feel like crying right now.

How many mistakes have I made in the last month? Year? Two years? Was it a mistake to get pregnant while unmarried? Was it a mistake to marry the father of my son (Pot Boy, my second husband)? Is it a further mistake to divorce him? Or just the correction of a previous mistake? Was it a mistake to start dating before the divorce was final? Was it a mistake to date Mr. Communication, someone so young, and (in my opinion) a confirmed bachelor? Or was it ok to date him, just a mistake to actually fall in love with him? Is it a mistake now to be friends with him? Is it a mistake to get my own place? Or was it a mistake to live with Mom in the first place? Am I abandoning her to her blindness and certain failure? Or am I leaving her safe and secure in the capable hands of my younger brother? Am I saving myself from her tyranny, meddling, and nagging? Or am I saving her from the mess, confusion, and responsibility of my children? Can I afford to live on my own? Will I be happy? Or lonely? Or scared? Should I stay at a job where I like most of my co-workers, and usually have fun? Or should I find a new job with more dignified work for more money? Is my son ok in daycare? Is my daughter ok in school? Should I go back to school? Can I afford it? If I work and go to school, when will I see my children? Should I start dating again? Or should I focus on myself and my kids? Should I date men, or women, or both? Should I move far away and break out on my own, get a fresh start? Should I move somewhere where I have a little help from friends or family, like Tuscon, Branson, or Tennessee? Or somewhere completely new and on my own, 100%? So many questions, so many issues. So many mistakes, and so many more possibilities for more mistakes. Whatever I choose, it will be the wrong answer... it always is.

Ok, re-reading that, I am crying now. I'm a mess. How am I supposed to fix me? What kind of mom am I if I can't even take care of myself?

These are the kind of days when I don't want to get out of bed, and I want to consume large quantities of alcohol. I feel like every move I make is wrong, no matter how right it felt at the time. I despair of life ever getting better. Nope, I'm going to be lonely and struggling for the rest of my life. I will never find that guy that loves me for me, and loves me enough to take on everything that comes with me - kids, exes, family, friends, baggage, etc. - and wants to share all of that with me, and involve me in his life, until they become the same life. Someone that accepts what I can give, and gives me all he can, and it's enough on both sides to make us both happy. My Tennessee friend recently told me that the sign of True Love is loving someone enough to just take what they can give and being ok with it. Is it? If it is, then that opens a whole new can of worms, and I don't want to go there right now... I'll just end up crying more...

I used to be such an optimist. I thought the world was covered in rose petals and sunshine. I was trusting and gullible, and believed what everyone told me, took everyone at face value. I believed in the best in humanity, that all humans were basically good. I believed that everything would always work out for the best, that God would provide for his children the necessities of life, and long as we worked hard, tried our best, and kept the faith.

Now I think life is one big toilet; we swim around in crap our whole lives, and we all get flushed eventually. Where'd my optimism go? It was broken down and destroyed by people who broke me down and trampled me underfoot: What's-his-face, Pot Boy, and Mr. Communication. In all fairness, the majority of the blame rests with Pot Boy, but What's-his-face and Mr. Communication played their own small parts in making me doubt myself and my gut. They both make me question the wisdom of wearing my heart on my sleeve and following my heart. What's the point of being myself if nobody loves me for myself? If myself makes guys run for the hills, then I need to change. What is it about me that makes them run? What is it that I need to change?

I think I've rambled long enough. Now I am thoroughly depressed. I'm going to be such a lovely ray of sunshine at work tonight. Won't I just get SO many tips, scowling at the customers, and crying in the bathroom. Nice. I hate my life.

Apartment!!!!

I HAVE AN APARTMENT!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!

I finally have an apartment! I'm so excited! It's a three bedroom, two bath, income-based-housing apartment, and I'm at the other end of the parking lot from my older brother and his wife and their kids. My daughter will like having them so close so she can play with them. Also, the complex "playground" (a slide, a jungle gym, and 2 rocking horses) is right outside my back door. Awesome. And the mailbox is across the parking lot from my front door. Sweet.

I'm excited to have my own space again, total control over my environment and life, a place for everything, and everything (usually) in its place. I will be in complete control of everything my kids and I do, from when we get up to what we eat to how much TV we watch to when we go to bed. I'll have peace and solitude when I need it, and I will (be able to, be forced to) spend more time with my kids.

I look forward to the freedoms of being on my own again, but I acknowledge that there will be restrictions too. I can't just leave the house to go see a friend, because my mom won't be there to watch my kids. I'll have to load up the kids to go to Wal-Mart, the Mall, to run errands, etc. But I can have people over anytime I want, and my Mom won't be there to make things awkward or uncomfortable, to guilt-trip me or nag me or fight with me in front of my friends. She won't be there to do those things ever! Yeah! Big plus!

Next step in my progression of life: better job, preferrably one I like. :)

See. I don't need anybody. Period.

Friendship

I've never been friends with an ex before... it's interesting.

My first husband and I are 'friends', but only for the sake of our daughter, and not super close... I'm closer to his wife than him. If we didn't have a daughter, I don't think we'd talk at all. Not because we dislike each other or anything like that, just because there'd be nothing common to our lives, no reason to stay in communication with each other.

Other boyfriends I don't talk to at all, like rebound guy and what's-his-face. My second husband only calls when he wants something, like sex or money (which he doesn't get, either one). I definitely wouldn't say we're friends.

But Mr. Communication and I are actually pulling off being friends. We talk, watch TV, drink coffe or tea, play with his cat, hang out with other friends, etc. It's nice... different, but nice.

There's only one thing that bothers me: I'm a naturally flirty person. I flirt with all my friends, in a fun and playful way. I hug my friends, I even kiss some friends on the cheek. But with him, nothing. I don't want to make him uncomfortable, or make him think I want something more, but it feels weird to have a friend I'm so close to, but that I don't hug or flirt with. Very weird.

I guess I'll just give it more time. Maybe as we get a little more comfortable with each other, as we relax more, things will get more normal, and I'll be able to be myself.

By the way, if anyone DOES actually read my blog, I'd like more comments. I'd like communication with my readers, to know that I actually HAVE readers. Thanks. :D