NIN rocks!

Last night, I had my first sushi... It was OK, but not my favorite food. I didn't gag or get sick, so I'll eat it again. :) Then to the BOK center in Tulsa for a really bad opening band called Boris. I've never heard of them, and it's because they sucked! Finally, NIN came on, and it was AWESOME!!!! I had SO much fun, and I know my boyfriend did too! His only complaint was that the seats were tiny, and he couldn't get comfortable. After NIN, we joined some of his friends for booze and games, and I had my first Absinthe... nice. We finally hit the hay around 3am. All in all, it was an awesome Saturday!

I know you all are jealous, but don't hate me. :)

Change is the only constant...

So, my boyfriend blogged back in September about NIN coming to Tulsa and how he really wanted to go. I wasn't dating him then, but the good stalker girlfriend that I am, I read all of his blogs, so I read that one, of course. This inspired me, as concert tickets are a really great gift idea. So, especially since I got a job this last week, and one that gives me a daily paycheck, I decided to get him a NIN ticket as an early Christmas present. I finally told him about it tonight, and instead of a pretty nice seat by himself, he would rather take two not-so-great seats, so I can tag along. I left that entirely up to him, as I am not a huge NIN fan, but he said he'd rather have me along so I can watch him enjoy his Christmas present. :)

My first concern is whether or not I'd like the music, so I've been listening to NIN all night. I like it, for the most part. I espcially liked the studio version of "Something I Can Never Have" that I found on YouTube. That song is great. Very beautiful, very poetic, it makes my soul smile. This concern is no longer a concern.

My second concern is that I am too goody-goody for a NIN concert. I told my boyfriend, "I don't want to look like the white bread girl who wandered in off the street for a NIN concert because she thought they were talking about manicures..." He rofl'd to that. :D But I have always worried about looking too "white bread", so much so that I got my cartilidge and tongue pierced, and when I have the money, I'm getting my kids names tattooed on my wrists. My boyfriend said, "dress how you like to don't worry about how other people see you." I wish I could do that, but I have never been able to, even as I admire people who can. Why can't I just let loose and dress the way I want? Why am I so easliy influenced by those around me? I mean, look at me! I'm listening to NIN and planning to go to their concert to please my boyfriend. Why?

Because I'm a people pleaser? Because I enjoy acceptance and society and friendship? Or because I lack any kind of a backbone? Because I lack a personal identity of my own? Do I lack self will?

The thing is, the changes that each person in my life impress upon me are ususally permanant. Thanks to my first husband, I still like Monty Python, Simon and Garfunkle, and Magic: the Gathering. The boyfriend after him taught me to like beer, vodka, and manicures. :) The boyfriend before my second husband inspired me to get my piercings and introduced me to Flyleaf and Munchkin. My second husband gave me Cake, the Venture Bros., and Across the Universe. Now it's NIN. And you know, it's not just boyfriends and husbands. One of my HS friends taught me to love anime and Dungeons and Dragons. Another led me to country music. My brothers led me to WoW, and my sister-in-law led me to Kevin Smith movies and reality TV. Her sister led me to Wicked, Rent, and Norah Jones. I am who I am today because I try new things to please the people around me, and I find that I like the things I try. Does that mean I don't know who I am, that I have no static personality? Absolutely not. It just means that I am willing to try new things, to admit ignorance and correct it.

Ok, I'm listening to NIN "Fragile" right now... I really like this song. I'm liking more and more of the songs I'm hearing. I think I'm really going to like this concert on Saturday. Of course, there's the added bonus that it's going to make my boyfriend so happy he'll love me long time... sweet! :) Now I've just heard "Right Where It Belongs" and I liked that song too. NIN fan in the making here!

My birthday is coming up in a week. My boyfriend claims he's buying me apple schnopps for my birthday. Party! Drunk Lynda is SO fun! And pathetic! What is he thinking? I'd prefer a ring or a bracelet or a watch or some other nice piece of jewelry (that has absolutely no culturally-derived relationship-related sinificance). :) Or a really good book (The Magician, the sequal to The Alchemist... my ex stole my other copy... indian giver), or a movie I want (like Becoming Jane) or a new pair of shoes (ssshhhhoooooeeeessssssssssss). I think I just came a little. New shoes... sacred words. Steve Maddens... (angels break into hallelujahs in the heavens above)... For the shoe ignorant, Steve Maddens (about $75 a pair), available only at Dillards, are the poor girls' Manolo Blahniks (about $400 a pair) or Jimmy Chews (about $200 a pair). Someday I will save up a lot of money and fly to New York JUST to buy myself a pair of Manolos (again with the angels). :) At least my sister-in-law gets what I mean. ;)

Anyway, enough birthday gift hints. Merry Christmas honey! Kisses and hugs!

And to the rest of you, g'nite.

Random Thoughts

Have you ever made a decision that seemed like a good idea at the time, but later you realized it was a huge mistake? This is the story of my life. I follow my heart, make decisions I "feel" are right or good, and they come back to bite me in my butt 9 times out of 10. I try asking advice from trusted friends and family, I try praying, I try following social norms, but it all always seems to backfire on me somehow. Why is that? Is there a sign on my forehead or back that says, "Go ahead, crap on me, break my heart, treat me badly, I don't mind." They say, "What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger." Who came up with that retarded statement? Yeah, if a car crash doesn't kill you, it'll make you stronger, but only after an immense amount of pain, weakness, humiliation, and hard work. Who wants to go through all that just to be a little stronger? Not me.

The only consolation I have is that "time heals all wounds." People who have hurt me in the past are my friends now. I don't hold grudges; it may take me a while to heal, but I eventually let it all go. For example, my first ex-husband, and I are cool now, friends even. We have our daughter's best interests at heart, and parents that get along is healthy for everyone involved. I'm even good friends with his wife. As another example, even with some recent drama, I have neutral-to-friendly thoughts about a certain ex-boyfriend of mine and his girlfriend/fiance. It's almost like the recent drama we had just finished it for me, like the final blow that kills a twitching insect or something. I'm sure there's a better analogy, I just can't think of it. Not that I was pining or anything, but I did have residual feelings of anger and general confusion. Those feelings are gone now, poof, like evaporated water. If I ever have contact with them again in this plane of existence, I think I could be nice to them, even friendly, possibly even friends. Not that they care, or anyone else cares for that matter. Why am I typing this? Who even reads my blogs besides my sister-in-law, and I tell her all this crap.

Blogs are redundant.

Anyway, I want to blog about this incredibly adorable (though somewhat annoying) personality trait that my boyfriend has, but I'm afraid I'll embarrass him, so I won't... at least not yet. I'll wait until we've been together longer, until the relationship is strong enough to endure a little embarrassment. :D If I did blog about it, he'd make me sit in the corner, and I hate that. LOL

My daughter is at her dad's in AZ for another week-and-a-half. I already miss her. I want my midget to come home. She brightens every day so much, and she's just fun and adorable.

I have a job. I'm a waitress at Rib Crib (hey, don't knock it - it's hard work). At least my mom will let up on some of her nagging now.

My neighbor is going to teach me how to fight. I have a couple of soon-to-be-ex-in-laws that I need to prepare for. They need to back off or feel my wrath, and my neighbor is going to help me make sure they really feel it. Awesome. Piss me off, see what happens.

Ok, I have to go play games and be social. All good things must end.

I should not drink...

... because I become an emotional time bomb after I sober up. Why is that? Is it simply because I lack a Y-chromosome? Doubtful, as I don't see other women acting the same way. Is it because I never grew up... I'm immature? More likely... psychological damage can do that to a person. That sounds like pshycho-babble... "My mommy didn't love me enough - My daddy was never around..." Bull hockey. Am I just hard-wired this way, like it's a part of my personality? Maybe. If so, is it possible to change it? Again, maybe.

On the other hand, I have to ask the question, "Do I want to?" I like that I wear my heart on my sleeve. No surprises with me... what you see is what you get. I'm an emotional rollercoaster, and I know it. But I think I enjoy the sad and angry and frustrated as much as the happy and content. I love that I can feel, and feel deeply. It makes life that much richer for me, that much more meaningful. I know that doesn't work for everyone, but it does for me.

The thing is, I really hate drama and confrontation. So, to avoid these distasteful things in my life, should I try to regulate or nullify my emotions?

Also, in my experience, people tend to prefer other people who are not an open book, who are more enigmatic and mysterious. People tend to like and gravitate toward people they can't figure out, can't define, can't predict. Would I have more friends if I changed?

Can I even change? I cave to peer pressure... I am easily influenced by those around me... I am a people-pleaser... I lack self-will, will-power. Can I change?

I invite, even encourage, comments to this post, please.

Congratulations!

I just want to say gratz to a certain couple I know that apparently just got engaged (unless a diamond ring on the third finger of the left hand means something else I don't know about...). They've been together a long time, they seem really happy, and I'm happy for them. Congratulations, you two! I wish you all the best!

(Of course, I'm assuming they'll read this, which they may not...)