Society Tirade

***This is just my opinion, my point-of-view, and should not be taken as fact or truth.***

I hope I can get my thoughts down correctly. This post has been bouncing around in my head for quite a while now, but after last night, I have a desperate need to post it, to have my say, so to speak.

There are two parts to this tirade: first, the factors I believe are important in friendships and relationships; and second, a tirade against societally-imposed standards for relationships.

Factors I Believe Are Important In Any Relationship

Mr. Communication has previously posted about the importance of trust and communication (haha) in a relationship. While I agree they are important, they are not the only important factors and behaviors. I believe that any relationship, even friendship or family, must have a basic two factors: Respect and Like. You must Respect each other, treat each other as equals, respect your differences and accept/tolerate them, come to compromises, and try mutually to avoid miscommunications and arguments (this is where communication falls). Respect also covers trust, honesty, and loyalty: tell the truth, believe each other, and don't trash talk each other (and don't allow others to either). But you must also Like each other, show interest in each other's likes and hobbies, listen as much as you talk, try new things together, generally spend time togther and really try not only to be yourself, but to get to know the other person. Let them meet other friends, include them in group activities, and make it clear to that person, and others, that they are a friend, and that they are important to you.

If your relationship includes a physical aspect, the third factor must be included: Desire. Show the other person that you want them, that they are sexy and attractive to you, that they are the object of your fantasies. Make them feel wanted, desired, attractive, sexy, etc. Show them you can't keep your hands off of them, that you think about them at the oddest times, etc. For example, kiss your lover the minute they walk in the door, without any words being spoken. This shows that you desire them so much you can't even get a hello out first. Very sexy.

The fourth factor, like the third, doesn't apply to every relationship. However, it is different in that it adds sub-factors to the other three. The fourth factor is Romance, which only applies to romantic relationships, and generally serious ones at that. This factor adds fidelity to the Respect column, adds intimate and family gatherings to the Like column, and adds Public Displays of Affection (PDA) to the Desire column. It also entails so much more, like verbal affirmations and a willingness to commit.

Having said all that, however, I now want to address my second topic:

Tirade Against Societally-Imposed Standards for Relationships

Having two failed marriages, and a dozen other failed relationships, under my belt, I have plenty of time and material to examine. I have determined that society imposes impossible standards on relationships, and those restrictions almost guarentee that relationships will fail. Along with the title of "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" come societally ingrained expectations, and when the other person failes to live up to those expectations, the relationship ends. The same goes for the "archaic institution" of marriage. I'm all for marriage, if both parties involved want it, but I am all for writing your own vows, and commiting to something you can actually commit to, rather than society's imposed standards of what should and should not be included in a marriage.

Let's talk about a dating relationship, where the intention is to get physical and romantic, to take things beyond friendship. Everything goes well at first, but once you apply the titles of girlfriend/boyfriend, or dub the relationship as exclusive, suddenly there is a whole new list of expectations... expected actions, expected behaviors, expected timelines, etc. One or the other fails to live up to those expectations, those societally imposed standards, and then what was a beautifully promising relationship, crashes and burns.

Now, throw all of that out the window. You have two people interested in getting to know each other better, trying to be themselves with each other. They Respect each other, they Like each other, and they Desire each other, and they show these to each other frequently. Forget whatever title society may want to impose on this couple (even the term couple is societally imposed). Forget whatever behavior society says they should display, or whatever timeline society says they should be on. Forget all that. They should continue just as they are. They should continue to get to know each other, develop that friendship into something more, eventually add the Romance if they want. They should do whatever makes both of them comfortable and happy. This only works, of course, if they both leave society out of the relationship.

Personally, I like the title of girlfriend; however, I know I am guilty of imposing society's expectations on previous boyfriends. I've done much better over time, and now that I recognize what I was doing, I won't do it again. I'll just be myself, get to know him (or her), and not let a title change the way I behave or how I expect them to behave.

I know I'm leaving something out, as I'm pressed for time. Guess I'll have to have a Part II later... :)

Comments, please!