Gall bladders suck!

Nine and a half years ago, I gave birth to the most beautiful little girl in the world! About a month later, I experienced, for the first time in my life, an excruciating pain in my stomach area. I went to the ER, but it stopped by the time I got there, so we left. For the next eight months or so, I experienced more pain, nausea, vomiting, until my daughter's pediatrician suggested it was an ulcer. He suggested I take Zantac75 once a day until the pain stopped. I did, and after about six months, the pain was gone.

For the next six to seven years, I had an occasional flare-up of pain, usually resolved with Zantac or Rolaids. After the birth of my son nearly two years ago, the flare-ups became more frequent and more severe. For the last few months, they've been really bad, with me vomiting on average about once a week. Since my last pregnancy I've been taking PrilosecOTC (or the generic) daily, in an effort to keep what I thought was an ulcer under control.

Friday night, the pain reached a level I have never experienced before. I couldn't lie down or sit or even move without a great deal of pain, and I was standing against the wall, crying in pain, when my boyfriend got back from picking up my brother's girlfriend from work. Off to the ER I went, while my son stayed with my brother's girlfriend, and my daughter stayed with my boyfriend's sister.

At the ER, I peed in a cup, and they took some blood. Then they gave me a nice cocktail of meds - anti-nausea, two stomach meds, and phyntenol (is that how you spell it?), a pain med. I felt loopy, and the pain stopped. However, ten minutes later, it was back, and just as bad as ever. They came in and gave me morphine (yeah, morphine). Even loopier, but the pain was still there. It went down to about a 1 on the pain scale for about fifteen minutes, then went up to about a 6 or 7 (had been a 9 or 9 1/2 earlier). Finally, they came in and gave me Demerol, more anti-nausea, and a bag of saline. Very loopy, sick for a few minutes, but NO MORE PAIN! In the meantime, they'd had me drink this whole bottle of white goop that tasted like berries. After an hour, they wheeled me off the the CT scanner. There, they injected me with contrast, which made me feel warm and fuzzy all over, and took pictures of my insides. Later they came to my room and told me it was my gall bladder, and they were putting me in the hospital to schedule the surgery.

Until Saturday morning, I had all my body parts. I have never had anything removed, I have never had any kind of surgery or stitches or hospitalization or anything like that. I was a little scared (more than a little really).

Saturday morning, the surgeon came and talked to me, I signed the consent papers, and I went into surgery about 11:30 am. They strapped me down to this skinny table, and strapped my arms to little attachments on the sides of the table. Not to sound sacrilegious, but I felt like I was being tied to a cross. They injected something in my IV, and suddenly I couldn't keep my eyes open. They told me to take a few deep breaths, and after the third breath, I was out. I came to in the recovery room, two hours later. They were asking me how I felt, and I felt fine, just a little tired and a little sore. They wheeled me back to my room - the bumps made me hurt, and the turns made me sick.

I stayed the rest of Saturday and all night, taking a Lortab every four hours or so, eating only liquids (which was OK since jello, ice cream and pudding all counted as liquids). This morning, the surgeon came and talked to me, and I got my walking papers. Apparently, my gall bladder was so full of stones that it was practically a marble bag. One of the larger stones had become impacted in the duct, and the whole thing was infected as well. He said there were so many stones that my gall bladder probably hadn't worked in years (which is why I gave the long back story - my gall bladder probably stopped working back during my first pregnancy). Now that it's out, I will probably feel a LOT better. The pain, the nausea, the vomiting, the fullness will all stop. I probably won't have to take the Prilosec anymore. At least, I'm going to postpone taking them for now to see if I even need them.

I'm on restrictions for the next two weeks at least, until I have a check-up with the surgeon. I can't drive, pick-up anything, push, pull, bend over, anything strenuous at all (including amorous night-time activities). I have to have help sitting down and standing up, I can't sit for more that 45 minutes in one position, but I can walk as much as is comfortable. It really sucks, because my son is sick right now, and wants mommy to pick him up and hold him, which of course, I can't do.

But for all the worry warts out there reading this, I am fine. The four incisions on my abdomen (they took it out laproscopically) are tender, the internal bruising is sore, and Lortabs make me very sleepy, but I'm not in anywhere near the kind of pain I was in Friday night, and according to the surgeon, I won't be again. Yeah!

My mother had her gall bladder out a few years ago when she had her gastric bypass surgery. They had said that gall bladders can usually cause problems after that particular surgery, so they removed it at the same time, just as a precaution. However, it occurred to me, my grandmother was about my age when she had hers removed. It was after her third or fourth child (can't remember which exactly). I am very much like her, which is scary at times, so I should have suspected that it was my gall bladder.

This was all very sudden and fast and surprising. I had planned to sing Handel's Messiah with the Choral Society today at 2pm. But I missed that, and the rehearsal Saturday morning. I'm hoping I feel up to going to Jackson-Hewitt tomorrow to do some of the Labs I need to get done for the training (that was the plan before this weekend). All my job hunting plans for the next two weeks have to be cancelled, or at least cut back. My daughter is learning how to do laundry, because I can't. I can sit next to the dryer and fold clothes, that's about it.

Going to finish now - the Lortab I took fifteen minutes ago is starting to shut me down. I feel a little loopy and sleepy. I'm getting fuzzy tunnel vision too. Fun.

I'll post more later about the rest of my life and how it's going.

P.S. A HUGE thanks to all the nurses and aides at the hospital for their care and patience. The took such good care of me and my boyfriend during my stay. And a big thanks to the surgeon for his patience in explaining everything to me and answering my questions, and for his skill in removing my pain.

P.S. 2 A great big thanks to my younger brother and his girlfriend, for watching my son. A big thanks to my boyfriend's sister and her husband, for watching my daughter. A big thanks to my older brother for going to get my mom and her boyfriend from out of town, and to my sister-in-law for watching my nephews so my brother could go. And the BIGGEST thanks to my boyfriend, who hardly ever left my side, stayed two nights in the hospital sleeping in a very uncomfortable recliner and a slightly less uncomfortable cot, and helped me shower, get up and down, fetched things for me, ran to the store for pudding in the middle of the night, etc. He is the most wonderful, caring man, and I wonder what I did in my life to deserve him. To all of you, I love you, and this is the definition of FAMILY. XOXOX

Going... Going...

It is typically human, and especially American, to want something, covet it with all your heart, and then once you get it, to want something else or something better.

However, I am definitely not typical.

I wanted a really good friend that I could connect with on every level (remember me blogging about that months ago?), and I got her, my mom's new neighbor. She and I just really get each other. I love it. I feel completely comfortable with her, like I can totally be myself with her without fear of judgement or ridicule or rejection. It's great. I can tell her anything, and I know she'll understand. She gives me good advice, motivates me to be better, helps me when she can, and accepts my help in return. It's fantastic!

I also blogged about wanting a boyfriend (remember?), that special someone who just really fit me and wouldn't leave or screw me over. I got him too, my new best friend's brother. He and I dated for a mere two weeks about five years ago, but it ended (don't want to share the details), and I have regretted it since. Now, suddenly, I have a second chance, and I'm making the best of it. I've grabbed my second chance with both hands, and I'm not letting go! He and I fit together so well. Our libidos are the same, he remembers things I forget (and vice versa), he thinks my pouting is cute, and we spoil each other. Nothing about him really bothers me, and the things about me that have bothered past boyfriends/husbands, don't bother him at all. We disagree once in a while, and we have the occasional misunderstanding, but we work it out fast, and we have a good laugh about it. We make each other laugh a lot, and that's important. He adores my kids, and they seem to really adore him. I'm happy, but more than that, I'm satisfied, I'm content. That means a lot to me.

Being with him makes the bad things in my life seem less bad. He makes the unbearable bearable. Does that make sense? I still need a job, and he needs a better one. Then I'll finalize my divorce, and he'll finalize his, and hopefully get custody of his daughter. But these things seem less urgent, less life altering, because we are so satisfied with our life together.

I still don't think I'm making any sense, but I can't think of a better way to explain it. Oh, well.

My daughter is back in school, 4th grade. She's so excited. My son has started talking in sentences, but since it's still baby gibberish, we still don't know what he's saying. But he will tell us something, and his face is so serious, and he's trying so hard to communicate, using full sentences, and mimicking our sentence structure and tonal patterns. It's SO cute! He's only a year-and-a-half, but he's wearing 3T and 4T clothing. He's my big boy. My daughter moved up in her dancing to the next class. She's so much shorter and smaller than the other girls in her ballet class! Her teacher calls her the class puppy. :) My daughter recently (and finally!) learned how to ride her bike, and she wants to ride it all the time. It's precious.

OK, I've run out of steam. Done for now. Bu-bye.

Reflection

I've spent several months thinking about the past. It seems the past won't leave me alone, and now it has grabbed my full attention.

Alfred, Lord Tennyson said, "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." He speaks against inaction. It isn't enough to exist... you need to really live. Don't sit by and let life move all around you. Get into it. Make a few mistakes. Make a mess. Create a little chaos. Have fun.

I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't live, but just exists. Yes, we all have responsibilities and obligations to fulfill, and those should be priorities, but don't let your obligations keep you from enjoying life. Don't let your job or your self-interest keep you from your family (or from having a family). Don't let self-preservation or fear keep you from love. Don't let sloth or money keep you from the satisfaction of a hard day's work and a job well done. Balance the pleasures of solitude and quiet with the joys of company and friendship.

Don't live your life in fear of the future, or regretting the past. Learn from the past, plan for the future, but live for today. And live in today. When something bad happens, take a little time to heal, make amends, etc. Then, move on, wiser, stronger, and more prepared.

I'll be the first to admit that I have had my fair share of relationships (probably more). As I think back over them, however, I don't regret them, even the short ones. I always got something out of each one: kids, a car, furniture, new hobbies and interests, knowledge about myself, understanding of men, a good time, etc. I try hard not to regret or resent the bad parts, since the good usually outweighs the bad.

My first husband gave me my daughter, and a list of items and ideals, including a working knowledge of myself and men. Rebound guy gave me a car, as well as the emotional and financial support that I needed at a low point in my life, and I'll always appreciate that. What's-His-Face gave me a better understanding of myself and the mistakes I was making in relationships, and life. He also gave me a few new hobbies and interests, which I enjoy. Pot Boy gave me my son, and a peek at God's sense of humor (be careful what you ask for...). Mr. Communication gave me new hobbies and interests, a better look at the dynamics and variables of relationships, and a new sense of self-worth vs. self-doubt.

Every relationship has its good and its bad. Those who really live are the ones who choose to see the good and learn from the bad. They don't allow their mistakes or their pain to hold them back from the next relationship. They keep in mind that no matter how bleak, messy, confusing, or hopeless a situation can become, it can always be lightened, explained, straightened out, fixed, cleaned up, forgiven, or forgotten. Karma usually gives you a chance to make things right before she bites you in the ass.

There's really only one relationship I still have any regrets about, and it's not the relationship I regret, but how it ended. About five years ago, I dated a guy for a few weeks in the summer. I really liked him, but when I heard a nasty rumor that was going around about him, I freaked out, and refused to talk to him anymore. A few months later, I discovered the truth: the allegations were proven false. I felt horrible, mortified, embarrassed. A short while later, I heard that he'd moved out of state. I have always regretted that I was never able to say, "I'm sorry," that I never had a chance to make things right.

The dramatic ending of the relationship didn't stop me from moving on (after a while). The discovery of my horrible mistake wounded me, and knocked the wind out of me for a bit, but I learned from it, and kept going. While I wish I could apologize and attempt compensation, I don't let it stop me from living my life to the fullest.

My point is that life moves on. The world doesn't stop because a relationship ends. Your heart won't stop beating, your job won't wait for you, your kids won't stop growing, the sun won't stop rising and setting. Take some time to heal, yes, but then get back on the bike and try again. Keep riding, keep going. Don't let the mistakes you've made keep you from your responsibilities, and your life. Don't let some guy, who has chosen to exist rather than live, keep you from living. Don't let someone else's lies create doubt in your heart. Don't let someone else's inconsideration shake your faith in yourself. Don't regret the past - learn from it, appreciate it, share it. And remember that even though Karma's a bitch, sometimes she gives you just what you need. :)

Thank you Karma... it's about time.

In Memoriam
by Alfred, Lord Tennyson

XXVII.


I envy not in any moods
The captive void of noble rage,
The linnet born within the cage,
That never knew the summer woods:

I envy not the beast that takes
His license in the field of time,
Unfetter’d by the sense of crime,
To whom a conscience never wakes;

Nor, what may count itself as blest,
The heart that never plighted troth
But stagnates in the weeds of sloth;
Nor any want-begotten rest.

I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
’Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

Tennyson rocks! (If you read it out loud to yourself with a British accent, it sounds awesome!)

Geek Chic

In 1935, a man named Erwin Schrödinger designed a thought experiment. He proposed that one seal a cat in a box with a device that may or may not break open a sealed vile of poison in the next hour. For that hour, the cat is both alive and dead, but once you open the box, you can see that the cat is one or the other, alive or dead. He was attempting to explain "what he saw as the problem of the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics being applied to everyday objects." (Wikipedia, Schrödinger's Cat) In other words, he thought someone else was wrong, and he designed an experiment to illustrate his point.

The point I gather from this experiment is basically this: you never know until you know. How can you know that you will or will not succeed at something until you attempt it? Once the attempt is over, you can know whether you succeeded or not, but you cannot know beforehand. Once you have tried sushi, you know if you like it or not, but before you try it, you cannot know. In theory, you both like it and dislike it... in reality, you neither like it nor dislike it.

Along with these thoughts from the realm of physics, I offer the following quote:

"I believe that the voices of fear, both from without and within, can only be dispelled by trusting the voice that comes from the heart. Be still and listen to it. If it speaks of love and compassion for others, for the world itself, it just might be the voice of God -- or a reasonable facsimile. If, however, it snarls with fear of the unknown, fear of losing what you have or of not getting what you want, then it just might be the voice of Rupert Murdoch -- or a reasonable facsimile."

Chuck Lorre Productions #212

I don't know how this will speak to everyone else. To me, it says, "Stop being afraid of being alone. You've been alone before, and you know you can be happy alone. Stop wanting what you don't have. Love what you do have. Live your life and love it."

What's it say to you?

The Music of My Life

Have you ever noticed that sometimes when you are going through a significant moment in your life, a certain song will really resonate with you? And then, forever after, whenever you hear that song, you remember that moment, and what you were feeling, and what you were going through. I have certain songs attatched to my divorce from my first husband, the birth of my daughter, my break up with What's-His-Face, and the birth of my son. I have songs from when I was in high school, jr high, when I was dating my second husband (Pot Boy), when I lived in Colorado, when I lived in Florida, when I was dating Rebound Guy, etc. I have music for nearly every significant part of my life... 30 years of music.

The point is that I'm currently on this strange roller-coaster ride with Mr. Communication, and I have music for that too! :D On my MySpace page is my playlist, 10 songs that mean something to me. The first 7 definitely apply to Mr. Communication, almost entirely. The last 3 apply in part, a line or two, maybe.

I don't understand him. He claims we're friends, but if he treated all his friends the way he treats me, he wouldn't have any friends. But I'm definitely more than a f*** buddy (sometimes we just hang out, no sex involved). I'm in this weird grey area, and still dealing with the up and down, the back and forth. He's nice one minute, then a complete a** hole the next. And I'm pretty sure he does it on purpose.

On the flip side, when he's asleep (or VERY drunk), he's the sweetest, most affectionate guy - a complete 180 from when he's awake (and sober). LOL I think it's hilarious that he talks in his sleep and has no control over himself. I love it. I thought it was weird at first, but I love it now. Just another thing I love about him. I love it because that's when his walls are down, that's when he's completely himself, and that guy likes me. :)

There are several things about him that tick me off. First of all, I never really got an explanation for the break-up. Second, why does he keep me around if he's just going to treat me badly? Third, he says he doesn't want a relationship, but I think he's assuming I want more than I do. FYI, I'd be perfectly happy just seeing him once or twice a week, which is about what we do now, but I want him to Respect me and Like me (see previous blog). Also, I'd like the title "Girlfriend" simply to mark my territory, but I'm perfectly content with the title "Friend"; however, as I implied earlier, I'd like it if he actually treated me like a friend. As I said (also in the previous blog), a relationship should be tailored to the two people invloved, what makes them happy and comfortable. But he never explained to me why/if he was unhappy and/or uncomfortable, so I was unable to restructure the relationship to avoid the breakup. Again, his inability to communicate is extremely frustrating. :)

This blog is completely chaotic and rambling. There's no structure, whatsoever. Ah, well, there's no structure to my thoughts these days anyway.

FYI, I got fired on Sunday. It was completely unfair, an honest mistake on my part, and several people went to bat for me, but the GM of the store had it in for me, so I got canned. Good. Now I can get a better paying, fabulous job that I love and for which I can actually respect myself. Yeah! However there is the slight hitch of paying for bills and taking care of my kids in the meantime... tiny bit of business... LOL.

I'll be OK. No matter how many times in your life the sun sets, remember that it always rises again the next morning.

Another FYI - my daughter is visiting her dad in Arizona for the next several weeks. I always miss her when she's gone. But I know she has lots of fun, and her dad loves seeing her.

More later. Go listen to my playlist. It's food for the soul. http://www.myspace.com/lynnalu

Society Tirade

***This is just my opinion, my point-of-view, and should not be taken as fact or truth.***

I hope I can get my thoughts down correctly. This post has been bouncing around in my head for quite a while now, but after last night, I have a desperate need to post it, to have my say, so to speak.

There are two parts to this tirade: first, the factors I believe are important in friendships and relationships; and second, a tirade against societally-imposed standards for relationships.

Factors I Believe Are Important In Any Relationship

Mr. Communication has previously posted about the importance of trust and communication (haha) in a relationship. While I agree they are important, they are not the only important factors and behaviors. I believe that any relationship, even friendship or family, must have a basic two factors: Respect and Like. You must Respect each other, treat each other as equals, respect your differences and accept/tolerate them, come to compromises, and try mutually to avoid miscommunications and arguments (this is where communication falls). Respect also covers trust, honesty, and loyalty: tell the truth, believe each other, and don't trash talk each other (and don't allow others to either). But you must also Like each other, show interest in each other's likes and hobbies, listen as much as you talk, try new things together, generally spend time togther and really try not only to be yourself, but to get to know the other person. Let them meet other friends, include them in group activities, and make it clear to that person, and others, that they are a friend, and that they are important to you.

If your relationship includes a physical aspect, the third factor must be included: Desire. Show the other person that you want them, that they are sexy and attractive to you, that they are the object of your fantasies. Make them feel wanted, desired, attractive, sexy, etc. Show them you can't keep your hands off of them, that you think about them at the oddest times, etc. For example, kiss your lover the minute they walk in the door, without any words being spoken. This shows that you desire them so much you can't even get a hello out first. Very sexy.

The fourth factor, like the third, doesn't apply to every relationship. However, it is different in that it adds sub-factors to the other three. The fourth factor is Romance, which only applies to romantic relationships, and generally serious ones at that. This factor adds fidelity to the Respect column, adds intimate and family gatherings to the Like column, and adds Public Displays of Affection (PDA) to the Desire column. It also entails so much more, like verbal affirmations and a willingness to commit.

Having said all that, however, I now want to address my second topic:

Tirade Against Societally-Imposed Standards for Relationships

Having two failed marriages, and a dozen other failed relationships, under my belt, I have plenty of time and material to examine. I have determined that society imposes impossible standards on relationships, and those restrictions almost guarentee that relationships will fail. Along with the title of "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" come societally ingrained expectations, and when the other person failes to live up to those expectations, the relationship ends. The same goes for the "archaic institution" of marriage. I'm all for marriage, if both parties involved want it, but I am all for writing your own vows, and commiting to something you can actually commit to, rather than society's imposed standards of what should and should not be included in a marriage.

Let's talk about a dating relationship, where the intention is to get physical and romantic, to take things beyond friendship. Everything goes well at first, but once you apply the titles of girlfriend/boyfriend, or dub the relationship as exclusive, suddenly there is a whole new list of expectations... expected actions, expected behaviors, expected timelines, etc. One or the other fails to live up to those expectations, those societally imposed standards, and then what was a beautifully promising relationship, crashes and burns.

Now, throw all of that out the window. You have two people interested in getting to know each other better, trying to be themselves with each other. They Respect each other, they Like each other, and they Desire each other, and they show these to each other frequently. Forget whatever title society may want to impose on this couple (even the term couple is societally imposed). Forget whatever behavior society says they should display, or whatever timeline society says they should be on. Forget all that. They should continue just as they are. They should continue to get to know each other, develop that friendship into something more, eventually add the Romance if they want. They should do whatever makes both of them comfortable and happy. This only works, of course, if they both leave society out of the relationship.

Personally, I like the title of girlfriend; however, I know I am guilty of imposing society's expectations on previous boyfriends. I've done much better over time, and now that I recognize what I was doing, I won't do it again. I'll just be myself, get to know him (or her), and not let a title change the way I behave or how I expect them to behave.

I know I'm leaving something out, as I'm pressed for time. Guess I'll have to have a Part II later... :)

Comments, please!

Girls vs. Boys, and an update.

Men do NOT understand women. Women try to understand men, but usually fail. I firmly believe we are two different species.

I had another sad day yesterday. My guy friend (if you can call him that) basically blew me off, insulted me, and just made everything worse. My girl friends held me as I cried, talked me through it, and tried to convince me to go lesbian (because girls understand girls, and wouldn't treat me the way boys do, because they KNOW, etc.). :) They told me I deserve better than I've had, and after reflection, I agree.

I've had several friends tell me I need to be more selective about whom I date. My girl friends insist that they are going to start screening all my dates, and they'll only let me date the guys (or girls) that will actually treat me well, that might come close to deserving me. They really made me feel much better.

This last week has been hard. I have a lesbian friend who has a new girlfriend, and they are so happy and cute together, which reminds me of how alone and sad I really am. When I'm not around them, I can lie to myself and say I'm just fine.

I feel so isolated and detatched, as I said in my last blog. I feel like the people I connect with the most live so far away. The people here and close are friends, yes, but none so very close as the out-of-town ones. The two friends last night are the two I'm closest to in town, but I still feel detatched from them some of the time, unwanted or uncared for. I know they don't mean to make me feel that way, but they have their own lives, and other people that they are closer to and who are more important to them than me. I'm not the kind of person that wants to be the center of attention all the time, or must have everyone love me the most. However, I think everyone should be #1 to SOMEONE. I feel like I am #1 to no one (my kids, yes, but I'm talking about adult relationships and friendships here).

My sister-in-law told me that I am free. I can do what I like, when I like. I can reinvent myself, rebuild myself into whomever I want to be, the real-and-true me, if I wish, or a different or better version of me. She's right, of course. However, I've been there, done that... and it still got me nothing but heartbreak. Now I have to do it all over again, and I am tired.

Something I read recently told me that I have the power in a relationship. I get to choose whom I date, and men should have to impress me and prove to me that they are worthy of me. If I can keep that in mind, maybe I can actually find a good man (or woman) to spend my life with, or at least a really good friend that's there for me like I'm there for them.

On other fronts in my life, work sucks. I work as a waitress, and once they cut us off the floor (ie, we stop taking tables) we have a ton of "cut work" to do. They expect us to get all this work done in one hour. We either clock out after an hour and finish our work off the clock (which is illegal), or they go in and adjust our time after we clock out (also illegal). Either way, I'm doing work I'm not getting paid for. Granted, it's not much per hour, but it's money I've earned. I need a new job, then I plan to report all my adjusted hours to the corporate office, or the Better Business Bureau, or someone, anyone, who will pay attention, and can actually do something about it. So the job hunt is on again... yeah!

Yesterday, I got out of work, curtesy of my clumsy baby boy. He tripped over his own feet at daycare, and smacked his face good and hard on the floor (a thin utility carpet over a cement floor). He had a big purple bump on his forhead, his nose was swollen and purple, and his nose bled, for a while. My sister-in-law and I took him to the ER, and waited for over two hours! Since he was showing no signs of having a concussion, they offered to do a CAT scan for peace-of-mind (we turned it down), and sent us home. However, I'm pretty sure his nose is broken (again... he just broke it 4 1/2 months ago). So my baby boy, who is not yet 15 months old, has broken his nose twice already. Nice. Poor baby boy!

My new apartment is doing OK. I need to spend one more day moving the last of my things and furniture from my mom's house to my apartment, then spend several days unpacking, organizing, and sifting through everything. On top of that, I haven't even started on my storage unit. I am determined to declutter, have a place for everything, and keep everything in its place. I intend to have a decorative and tasteful apartment, but to also let my personality shine through. I can't wait to have it all done, to have my apartment feel like a home. Yeah!

Lastly, it's snowing here! Yes, on one of the last days of March, a week into Spring, Bartlesville, Oklahoma is getting tons (!) of snow, and it's sticking! On my mom's front stoop, we measured it at 3-4 inches, but I don't know how accurate that is. My poor little car (which is actually front-wheel drive... who knew?) can't handle all of this snow, so my kids and I will most likely be spending the night here at my mom's. Fun. On the plus side, I'm off work tomorrow, so I don't have to go anywhere (and get out in this muck) until Monday morning. Good. Hopefully, it will all melt away before then. :)

Alright, I have a poopy diaper to go change. Later.

Comfort food.

Sunday was a very bad day for me. I felt like the little kid on the playground that no one wants to play with. I felt unwanted, unincluded, unaccepted, and unappreciated. And in my own effing apartment too! WTF! I felt like even though everyone was being nice to me and trying to cheer me up (their words), they were really thinking GTFO (their actions). Things got a little better when my friend (Mr. Communication) held me for a while, called himself my "comfort food" (I like that), and we talked for a while.

That conversation, plus one I had with my Tennessee friend on Tuesday, have helped me feel better and figure a few things out. I need to be more comfortable in my skin. Mr. Communication suggested that I stop caring what people think and just be myself. But Miss Tennessee pointed out that not caring what people think isn't me. I like to please people, I like to feel liked and accepted. I've decided I need to find a balance. I still want to keep the peace and please others, but I need to stop letting others dictate my life and take advantage of me. I DO need to find myself again: Pot Boy took a lot of me away from me, he tore me down a lot. I need to find who I was 3 years ago, but different, as so many things have happened to me since then.

Miss Tennessee made a good point... Mr. Communication has a different point-of-view than I do. He is coming into his 20's (he's 23). When you are that age, life looks very different then it does to someone like me, leaving my 20's (entering my 30's - yikes!). I have realized that life can be (and usually is) very lonely. With all my friends and work and social activities, at the end of the day, I go home, tuck in my kids, and then I'm alone. And lonely.

I crave an emotional connection. Sex simulates it, familial relationships simulate it, but they aren't the same. Even my close relationships with my kids aren't the same. I need a close adult relationship, not necessarily sexual or romantic. My closest friends live in Utah, Arizona, Missouri, and Tennessee, and I have no significant other. I need someone that loves me as I am, is there when I need them, puts up with all my crazy, includes me in their life, and knows that I'll do the same for them. I need someone to share my secrets with, be myself around. Someone to cry on, fight with, laugh together, etc. Someone that I can make that deep, close, intimate, emotional connection with. Intelligent conversation, some similar interests, care and concern for each other, trust, loyalty, respect... You get the point. Either a significant other, or just a best friend, I need someone. I feel so detatched from the world in general, and my world in particular. I have friends at work, friends of friends all over, and my family, but no one that I feel that close too (as I said, they all live out of state).

I know I come with a lot on my plate, but I think I'm worth it. I give my all to people, I'm there when they need me, and I'll help out anyway I can. I listen, I care, I love. I accept whatever you are, whatever you can give, whatever today's mood is, and give you everything in return. I do that for my close friends as well as my significant others. At least, I try. I haven't always been that way, and I have more growing to do, but I can be a great friend, and a great girlfriend.

Or am I completely wrong? Do I suck as friend? Do I suck as girlfriend/wife? Is that why I'm alone?

Ok, enough. Anymore, and I'm gonna start crying. Good nite y'all!

Internal Contemplation

On days like today, for some reason, I find myself examining myself. I am my harshest critic. I almost feel like crying right now.

How many mistakes have I made in the last month? Year? Two years? Was it a mistake to get pregnant while unmarried? Was it a mistake to marry the father of my son (Pot Boy, my second husband)? Is it a further mistake to divorce him? Or just the correction of a previous mistake? Was it a mistake to start dating before the divorce was final? Was it a mistake to date Mr. Communication, someone so young, and (in my opinion) a confirmed bachelor? Or was it ok to date him, just a mistake to actually fall in love with him? Is it a mistake now to be friends with him? Is it a mistake to get my own place? Or was it a mistake to live with Mom in the first place? Am I abandoning her to her blindness and certain failure? Or am I leaving her safe and secure in the capable hands of my younger brother? Am I saving myself from her tyranny, meddling, and nagging? Or am I saving her from the mess, confusion, and responsibility of my children? Can I afford to live on my own? Will I be happy? Or lonely? Or scared? Should I stay at a job where I like most of my co-workers, and usually have fun? Or should I find a new job with more dignified work for more money? Is my son ok in daycare? Is my daughter ok in school? Should I go back to school? Can I afford it? If I work and go to school, when will I see my children? Should I start dating again? Or should I focus on myself and my kids? Should I date men, or women, or both? Should I move far away and break out on my own, get a fresh start? Should I move somewhere where I have a little help from friends or family, like Tuscon, Branson, or Tennessee? Or somewhere completely new and on my own, 100%? So many questions, so many issues. So many mistakes, and so many more possibilities for more mistakes. Whatever I choose, it will be the wrong answer... it always is.

Ok, re-reading that, I am crying now. I'm a mess. How am I supposed to fix me? What kind of mom am I if I can't even take care of myself?

These are the kind of days when I don't want to get out of bed, and I want to consume large quantities of alcohol. I feel like every move I make is wrong, no matter how right it felt at the time. I despair of life ever getting better. Nope, I'm going to be lonely and struggling for the rest of my life. I will never find that guy that loves me for me, and loves me enough to take on everything that comes with me - kids, exes, family, friends, baggage, etc. - and wants to share all of that with me, and involve me in his life, until they become the same life. Someone that accepts what I can give, and gives me all he can, and it's enough on both sides to make us both happy. My Tennessee friend recently told me that the sign of True Love is loving someone enough to just take what they can give and being ok with it. Is it? If it is, then that opens a whole new can of worms, and I don't want to go there right now... I'll just end up crying more...

I used to be such an optimist. I thought the world was covered in rose petals and sunshine. I was trusting and gullible, and believed what everyone told me, took everyone at face value. I believed in the best in humanity, that all humans were basically good. I believed that everything would always work out for the best, that God would provide for his children the necessities of life, and long as we worked hard, tried our best, and kept the faith.

Now I think life is one big toilet; we swim around in crap our whole lives, and we all get flushed eventually. Where'd my optimism go? It was broken down and destroyed by people who broke me down and trampled me underfoot: What's-his-face, Pot Boy, and Mr. Communication. In all fairness, the majority of the blame rests with Pot Boy, but What's-his-face and Mr. Communication played their own small parts in making me doubt myself and my gut. They both make me question the wisdom of wearing my heart on my sleeve and following my heart. What's the point of being myself if nobody loves me for myself? If myself makes guys run for the hills, then I need to change. What is it about me that makes them run? What is it that I need to change?

I think I've rambled long enough. Now I am thoroughly depressed. I'm going to be such a lovely ray of sunshine at work tonight. Won't I just get SO many tips, scowling at the customers, and crying in the bathroom. Nice. I hate my life.

Apartment!!!!

I HAVE AN APARTMENT!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!

I finally have an apartment! I'm so excited! It's a three bedroom, two bath, income-based-housing apartment, and I'm at the other end of the parking lot from my older brother and his wife and their kids. My daughter will like having them so close so she can play with them. Also, the complex "playground" (a slide, a jungle gym, and 2 rocking horses) is right outside my back door. Awesome. And the mailbox is across the parking lot from my front door. Sweet.

I'm excited to have my own space again, total control over my environment and life, a place for everything, and everything (usually) in its place. I will be in complete control of everything my kids and I do, from when we get up to what we eat to how much TV we watch to when we go to bed. I'll have peace and solitude when I need it, and I will (be able to, be forced to) spend more time with my kids.

I look forward to the freedoms of being on my own again, but I acknowledge that there will be restrictions too. I can't just leave the house to go see a friend, because my mom won't be there to watch my kids. I'll have to load up the kids to go to Wal-Mart, the Mall, to run errands, etc. But I can have people over anytime I want, and my Mom won't be there to make things awkward or uncomfortable, to guilt-trip me or nag me or fight with me in front of my friends. She won't be there to do those things ever! Yeah! Big plus!

Next step in my progression of life: better job, preferrably one I like. :)

See. I don't need anybody. Period.

Friendship

I've never been friends with an ex before... it's interesting.

My first husband and I are 'friends', but only for the sake of our daughter, and not super close... I'm closer to his wife than him. If we didn't have a daughter, I don't think we'd talk at all. Not because we dislike each other or anything like that, just because there'd be nothing common to our lives, no reason to stay in communication with each other.

Other boyfriends I don't talk to at all, like rebound guy and what's-his-face. My second husband only calls when he wants something, like sex or money (which he doesn't get, either one). I definitely wouldn't say we're friends.

But Mr. Communication and I are actually pulling off being friends. We talk, watch TV, drink coffe or tea, play with his cat, hang out with other friends, etc. It's nice... different, but nice.

There's only one thing that bothers me: I'm a naturally flirty person. I flirt with all my friends, in a fun and playful way. I hug my friends, I even kiss some friends on the cheek. But with him, nothing. I don't want to make him uncomfortable, or make him think I want something more, but it feels weird to have a friend I'm so close to, but that I don't hug or flirt with. Very weird.

I guess I'll just give it more time. Maybe as we get a little more comfortable with each other, as we relax more, things will get more normal, and I'll be able to be myself.

By the way, if anyone DOES actually read my blog, I'd like more comments. I'd like communication with my readers, to know that I actually HAVE readers. Thanks. :D

Confused.

"Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down. "

The problem is, there's a fine line between caring enough to break down a wall, and getting arrested for being a stalker. LOL

And how would one supposedly go about breaking down a wall anyway?

And how long has that quote been there?

Does anyone even read my blog? What's the effing point?

Geez, I'm glad I'm going to a bar tonight.

Take Pride in the Little Things

Friday, my son started daycare, and he loves it! He has so much fun. I'm glad he likes it. He gets a little fussy when I drop him off, but the the teacher distracts him with food or toys, so I can slip out. I feel better knowing he's with people that can actually take care of him.

Also, Monday, my older brother and his wife got their van tagged, insured, and running, so they don't have to borrow my car anymore. Yeah! And my younger brother bought a bike, so he can bike himself to and from work. So I finally have my car to myself again. I'm so happy! :D

Baby steps.

I'm one piece of paperwork away from an apartment, and I can hardly wait. Grown women should NEVER live with their mothers! Part of the time, I feel like I'm 16 again ("Mom, can you watch the kids while I run to the store?"). Part of the time I feel like I'm married to her -- scary thought ("Why don't you ever wash the dishes?" she nags...). And part of the time I feel like I'm the mom and she's the daughter ("Mom, you can't feed the kids ice cream and call it dinner!") I just need to get my own place.

I also recognize that living with my mom has allowed me to be lazy, and I need to get out of that before it becomes permanant. I have enough character flaws, I don't need another.

By the way, I have a great quote I've been wanting to post for a while. It's from a Starbucks cup:

The Way I See It #76

The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating -- in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life.

Anne Morriss (www.starbucks.com/wayiseeit)

I love this quote. I've read it several times on my coffee cups in the last month or so. Perhaps I should have shared it sooner. Perhaps sharing it sooner could have saved me some pain. Then again, maybe not.

I will grow stronger; I will need less. I will find someone who needs me, wants me, loves me. Until then, I will commit to my kids, my job, myself. That's all that really matters anyway, right?

Maybe if I keep saying all this psychologically healthy stuff, some of it will actually sink in, and the pain will go away. Maybe.

Valentine's Day Sucks!

Yes, people, I said it! Valentine's Day is officially the worst holiday EVER. Especially when you are sitting home alone when you expected to be with the one you love. Chain-smoking, crying, eating ice cream, and watching chick flicks is a lame way to spend Valentine's Day.

I'm at a loss for words, suddenly. I'd love to pour out all my feelings right here, but I am fearful of who may read it. And I'm such a jumble of conflicting feelings anyway, I wouldn't know where to start.

One thing I do know is that I hate this holiday. I think it should be banned.

I also know that I'll be fine. I did a little relationship math earlier in my head. My first husband and I were together for 4 years, and I was with the guy after him (a rebound) for about a year, so 5 years, right? Then, from Oct 2001 (when the rebound guy left me) to Mar 2006 is about 4 1/2 years. Mar 2006 was when I was finally where I wanted to be. I had a great job, an apartment of my own, I paid all the bills and supported myself and my daughter without help, and I was content and happy. Life was great. So it took me approximately the same amount of time to rebuild myself as I'd been in the relationships I was rebuilding from.

Right now I have 3 relationships in a row to rebuild from - what's-his-face, Sept 2006; my second husband, Dec 2006; and my most recent ex, Oct 2008. So, Sept 2006 to Feb 2009 is what, 2 1/2 years? Yeah. So it'll take me about 2-2 1/2 years to rebuild myself back into a strong, independent, responsible, happy woman. So sometime in Spring 2011, I'll be myself again. That's not too far away. I can do it.

Baby steps. I'm getting my own apartment, and putting my son in daycare. Then I'm going to start looking for a better job, which will probably lead to a better apartment. Eventually, I want to pay off my car and buy a house. I can see myself achieveing those goals by Spring 2011, right? Yeah, I can do that.

Like I said, baby steps. I'll be fine.

And when the time is right, the right guy will come along, and things will work out like they should.

But I'll still hate Valentine's Day for the rest of my life. Stupid day.

In the Space of One Cigarette...

... I got dumped. What the hell? I totally didn't see this coming. He gave me the usual lines, like, "You want more out of this relationship than I do," "This is the best option for us right now," and my least favorite, "I still want to be friends." Maybe he was being honest and sincere, maybe not. I don't particularly care. If we're friends, fine. If not, his loss.

This whole breakup is his loss. If he really loved me, as he said, then he wouldn't be giving up just like that. I'm not interested in being with someone that doesn't want to be with me. I want the fairy tale (don't we all?): I want someone that is madly in love with me, wants to spend time with me, loves my kids, gets along with my family, and is responsible and mature (holds a job, owns a house, car, etc., the usual adult stuff), and takes all my crazy and deals with it, even when it pisses him off or scares him, or whatever. I'm not in a hurry... I got all the time in the world, the rest of my life, in fact. I'll take a relationship fast or slow or whatever feels right. I can get needy and clingy at times, but I can also back off and give space - sometimes I like space myself.

I'm not looking for a perfect guy, but I am looking for the one guy who is perfect for me.

I don't want to get into any breakup details, mainly because I wouldn't know where to start. I was completely blind-sided: I did NOT see this coming. Even in hindsight (being 20/20 like it is), I still don't see it. One day we're happy, with our "I love you's" and everything, and the next day I'm dumped. For a guy so big on communication, he sure didn't communicate to me that he was unhappy about anything. Apparently he's been sitting on these feelings for a while. Thanks.

So, I'll be single for a while. That's fine, I've done it before, for many years. I'm fine with the single-mom thing; I'm good at it, and I know I can be happy and content in that role. I was before, I'll find it again.

And when I'm ready for it, I'll find someone new... hopefully, he'll be the one I'm looking for, and if not, I'll keep looking until I find him.

Alright, enough venting. That's as philosophical as I get tonight. Now I'll cry myself to sleep and be depressed for a few weeks. Then I'll be fine, I'll move on, I'll get stronger and better. But for now, I'll let myself indulge in a good wallow in my misery, for a few days. Any longer is just pathetic. And I refuse to be pathetic.

Move over Wonder Woman; here I come. :)

Crystal Wonderland, and it's Dark Side.

Everything looks so beautiful this morning, covered in ice and snow. The trees look as if they are made of glass, like a beautiful Christmas tree. The grass looks like it's been sugar-coated. The world has put on it's pretty face, as if to cover up all of the drama that beauty caused last night.

Yesterday, as I was at work, my daughter was at school, and my son was at his Granny's house on the other side of town. His Granny texts me and tells me they are all sick, and when can I pick him up. I text back that I'll pick him up as soon as I get off work. That seems simple enough, right? Wrong. While I was at work, the sky started to throw down freezing rain and sleet. By the time I got off work, there was a solid sheet of ice coating everything.

Then I discover that my phone is dead (forgot to charge it). I finally get ahold of my sister-in-law, and she's busy trying to scrape ice off my car so she can pick up my younger brother and bring him to work and take me home (he's a cook at the same place I waitress). She has already fallen 3 times on the ice (her wrist and bum were hurting now), and her sister had fallen a few times too.

Finally, she picks me up and drops off my younger brother. We head toward her house. She informs me that her sister fell again, and hit her head hard on the curb (we suspected a concussion). She was sleepy and nauseated, and when I talked to her on the phone, her speech was slurred. A trip to the ER was in their plans for the evening. But first, a voicemail (on my sister-in-law's phone) from my Mom saying my daughter had not come home yet. It's 4:30, and she usually gets off the bus around 3:45. I call the school... the buses are running 40-50 minutes behind... she'll be home soon. We call my nephew's school... his bus hasn't even picked him up yet... "Pull him out of the bus line, we'll come pick him up." So we start heading for his school.

As we're driving to his school, we approach an intersection that has a slight hill to it, and a bus is stuck at the intersection. Once the bus got unstuck and on it's way, it took forever for everyone stopped on the incline to get up the incline and get going again. I actually got out of the car and pushed as my sister-in-law spun my tires (the back ones... I have rear-wheel drive). The car fish-tailed a bunch, rolled back a lot (I waved at the person behind me, and she kindly backed up so we wouldn't hit her), but finally, with my help, we got up the hill and going.

We picked up my nephew and headed to the apartment, but the road to the apartment is downhill, so we had to wait for a few spinning and stuck people. We finally got there, and my sister-in-law and nephew went in.

I headed, at this point, across town to pick up my son. I got there without event, and back again, without event. In fact, the ride home was so uneventful that my son fell asleep in the car. :)

I get home around 6pm to find that my daughter is STILL not home. I begin to panic. I borrow my mom's phone (mine is dead, remember?), and I call the school - closed. I call the After-School Care Program - no answer. I call the Education Building - closed. I call the Bus Barn - busy signal... again, and again, and again. Now I'm really panicked. Finally, I get through. The bus driver for my daughter's regular bus is already back. She never took the kids anywhere, they were just going to wait at the school for the parents. So fine, I guess I'll head for the school. However, I decide to plug in my phone first, start it charging. Ding, ding, ding... I have a voicemail. It's a call from my daughter's school, at 5:40, saying that she was getting on a different bus and heading home. It's now 6:20... where the hell was she? Full-blown panic.

I call the Bus Barn back. I want to know the number and location of the bus, now. They give me the number and location, and inform me the bus is stuck. I tell them to let the bus know that I am on my way to pick up my daughter. A few minutes later, I pull up to the intersection where the bus has hopped a curb, then been hit by a car that couldn't stop. There are two busses, all their lights going, and two cop cars, all their lights going as well. I'm still in full-blown panic mode, and crying now. I run across the ice (thank you marching band), and yell my daughter's name. They give her to me, and she's crying too (crashing on the ice in a bus is scary to an 8-year-old), and I pick her up (I'm that strong) and carry her to our car.

At home, this morning, my daughter explains to us that her regular bus driver tried to pick them up, but hopped a curb and hit another car, before she even left the school parking lot, so they unloaded the kids back into the school (so, yes, my daughter was in TWO bus crashes yesterday). I'm pissed that they never called and informed us that the kids were NOT on the bus, but waiting at the school. I would have picked her up had I known. They have my cell phone and my mom's too, as well as my sister-in-law's home phone. They could have reached us... the school should have called when she got off her regular bus.

All that really matters, I suppose, is that my children are both home safe and sound, where I can watch over them and take care of them. My son slept the rest of the night, and my daughter fell asleep watching TV with me (there's no school today, so I let her stay up). I finally went to bed when I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer (I'm off work today).

So, the layers of ice and snow that so beautifully coat our world here are really a mask to hide the dangers underneath...

When It Rains, It Pours.

My boyfriend is out of town this week for a funeral. I feel for him and his loved ones.

My mom and sister-in-law also went to a funeral today, but I was unable to go as I was watching all the kids while they went. The man who died was a family friend, someone I've known for 15 years. I feel for his family and loved ones left behind.

Someone else is going to die, as things like that always come in threes - pregnancies, weddings, funerals, births, etc. Who else will leave us all behind?

Watching the kids today was a HUGE exercise in patience for me! My daughter was bossy, my older nephew was loud, and my younger nephew was defiant and disrespectful. A ceramic piggy bank got broken, a book got torn, and faces got spit in. "Time-out" was a recurring theme of today. Priviledges were revoked, voices were raised, and stress limits were breached. What made me ever think that I wanted a lot of kids? My two are MORE than enough, three or four would be complete insanity!

I am very much looking forward to my child-free night tonight. My son is going to his Granny's and my daughter is going to her Grandma's, and I am going to my boyfriend's house. I'll be there when he gets home tonight.

Gotto go do things now.

Separation Anxiety

My boyfriend is going to Arizona for a whole week! I won't get to see him, or hug him, or talk to him (I expect his phone will get lousy reception) until next Sunday evening. Poor me!

But my week won't be boring by any stretch of the imagination. I have kids, after all. School, homework, baths, diaper changes, messy highchair, laundry galore, etc... I hope to have my bedroom actually clean before my boyfriend gets back. BIG goal, that one. :)

Maybe I'll pick-up a few extra shifts at work this week too. I could certainly use the extra money. Diapers are expensive!

My boyfriend gave me his extra garage door opener a week or two ago (as good as a key to his house), so I'm going to go by and wash his dishes and keep his cat company while he's gone. He asked me to keep his cat company; I'm throwing in the dishes as a bonus. :)

I hope everything in Arizona goes well for him, and things all turn out as they should. I also hope he and his father have a safe trip there and back.

It's late... I should sleep. G'nite.

Ridiculously Happy

He said 'em again... and this time I get to keep 'em! :D

False Alarm

...and it's amazing how crushing it can be when someone basically takes away those "three little words."

Ouch.